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June 08, 2017

Covfefe? I don’t even know Fefe!

Donald Trump may be the President of the United States, but he is also a dad! Since Father’s Day is coming up, here are some dad jokes Trump makes his kids listen to before handing them money to go away.

What time did the man go to the dentist? Tooth hurty because he didn’t have dental insurance. Another Obamacare victim!

Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint. But not at much mints as me. I make the best mints. All the mints are small mints compared to my mints. My mints are the mintiest mints. I have the most mint in my mints.

Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted. And then he sued the other one. I’ll see you in court, peanut.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down! This is because gravity is a myth created by the Chinese to make US manufacturing non-competitive.

I once owned a Calendar factory but I fired anyone who took a few days off.

Covfefe? I don’t even know Fefe!

Why did the cow walk into the bar? I don’t know, but Trump steaks are very good steaks made from real cow meat.

Why don’t skeletons ever go Trick or Treating? Because they have no body to go with. They are losers. I am a winner. I am so sick of winning because I ate too much candy Trick or Treating.

Why did the chicken cross the road? He didn’t. I built a wall around the road, and I made the hens pay for it.

What is black and white and red all over. Fake news!

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. Sad!

The only animal at the zoo was a dog so I tore the zoo down and built a big gold building with my name on it. I hear many dogs live there.

What do you call a bird that needs a wig? A bald eagle. He should call me. I know a great hair guy.

Why was six afraid of seven? Because seven was ISIS.

Barron said he was hungry. I said “Hi, hungry. I am Dad, but you can call me Mr. President Trump as always.”

I just flew to Paris and boy are my arms tired from withdrawing from our climate agreement.

I ran for President, but I’m still in terrible shape.

When Baron asks me for my best dad joke, I say “This presidency.”

Shout out to Hillary Clinton. It’s the only way she can hear me.

How does Hillary Clinton call James Comey. On a cell phone. Crooked Hillary! Lock her up!

I have been sweeping the polls. But the people say they are clean already. Fake news!

Someone on a cooking show made a cake with my likeness. He was trying to Bake America Great Again.

Paul Ryan and Mike Pence walk into a bar. I ducked because I am the smartest. No one is smarter than me.

Barack Obama tapped my phones. I am a stronger President, so I punch all my phones.

Why did the ship dock at the port. It wanted to see its berth certificate.

In the bathroom, you’re a-peein’. Everywhere else, you’re American. I’m not President of the bathroom! America first!

The Women’s March said it wouldn’t support me. But Women’s April may.

When one of my kids scrapes their knees in a foreign country, they ask for a travel bandage. Then I say it’s not a bandage, it’s an extreme vetting system for your wound.

Why was A afraid of O? Because O bomb A. But unlike Obama, I bombed Syria.

There is no I in team. But there are two in ISIS. Another reason to go after ISIS!

I was asked if I was working with Russia. And I said “No, I like my secret contacts to take their time.”

A miner walked in to a poll. I said “duck!” But he hit his head, and I won’t bring back coal jobs anyway.

I went to the barber the other day. He asked why Comey was over. I said “You cut it that way!”

Anytime Melania asks me to call her phone I say, “Melania’s Phone!” She hates me so much.

They say the Russians hacked the election, but I say they were very good at it.

I wanted to do a marathon with the Swamp Thing, but he said it was too draining. And then I said “You’re right. Who knew being President would be so hard?”

Knock. Knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange who is right. I have the best skin color. My skin is like a baby skin in look and feel.

What is wrong with Comey’s hearing? Nothing, he heard me talking about Russian hookers perfectly fine.

I changed Mike Pence’s name to Mike Dollar to try to make him worth more to me.

I said I would bring back jobs, but apparently it’s impossible to reanimate that Apple guy.

I pretended that the investigation into my ties with Russian didn’t affect me. But I was Putin on a happy face. Sad!