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February 21, 2012

As former IMF head Dominique Strauss-Kahn faces yet more allegations that he slept with prostitutes in all manner of unseemly situations, we offer a guide on how to tell prostitutes from their close cousin, the non-prostitute. Are you reading carefully, DSK? We know you're innocent but here's a refresher course all the same.


7) They’re interested in hearing you talk about economic policy. This is a strong indicator that she is a prostitute, Dominique.

6) You are a 60-year-old man with a face like a constipated toad but the woman repeatedly calls you “naughty boy” or “hot lips”. She is likely to be a prostitute but may just have a visual impairment. Cannot be used as irrefutable proof, DSK.

5) You were introduced to them through a card in a phone box. There are only a very small number of non-prostitutes who choose to seek relationships through this medium, so again, the chances are high that the woman you are with is a prostitute.

4) They were standing on a street corner and asked if you wanted to party. Now, “party” has become a catch-all phrase, so let’s not jump to conclusions. It might just mean she wants to rock up to a flat with a home-cooked lasagna and a bottle of M&S cava and dance the night away to Toploader with some close friends. Or, she might be a prostitute. Use your instinct to decide which.

3) She appears to have a very protective manager.Again, DSK, just because this man says you can sleep with the woman if you give him money, this is no reason to jump to conclusions, but you can’t rule out the possibility that she is a sex worker. If the man is from eastern Europe, wears a mauve tracksuit and appears very threatening, she probably is though.

2) If she presents you with a portable credit card machine after you have done the deed, she is a prostitute, DSK.

1) You met the woman because you phoned a number and said: “Hello, I would like a prostitute.”