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July 23, 2012

You've shelled out your own money, or a parent's, and wasted time being at an event that you'd rather not be at. The least God can do is give you the opportunity to win some free shit. How to react in this scenario.


It looks like you've been forced to go to a charity event of some sort by a parent, or a significant other, or this casual thing you've got going on. It sounds like it might be as boring as shit, and don't worry, your gut instinct is right, it probably will be. But once in a while, the universe presents us with an opportunity so beautiful that it may momentarily distract you from how bleak life really is. 
Today it appears that this marvelous opportunity is indeed presenting itself. While you may have been disappointed about having to shell out tens of dollars just for this stupid event you're attending, don't worry, it gets better.
THERE IS A FUCKING RAFFLE AT THIS THING. THERE IS A VERY REAL POSSIBILITY THAT VERY SOON YOU MIGHT BE THE OWNER OF A GOODS BASKET. I'm not talking any goods basket. I'm talking logo-ed T-shirts, yogurt-covered almonds, hand lotions, decorative soaps, novelty straws, a coupon to a local popcorn business, 10% off of a meal at a restauraunt owned by the organizer's cousin, unsharpened colored pencils, dog biscuits, uncooked pasta, topped off with two or more ribbons and arranged in such a manner that a God may have taken the time to use his tender hands. The best part is ... All this straight-up swag and MORE can be yours for the price of FREE! 
Well, not entirely free. You'll be forced to pay per raffle ticket, but the beauty of this is the more raffle tickets you have the higher your chances are of going home with a sexily arranged basket, a sense of entitlement, and material goods that you can cherish forever.
People often ask me, in context of course, "How much money should I spend on these raffle tickets?" It's your call, really. I would say no more than four hundred dollars but certainly no less than two hundred and fifty. Buy as many tickets as you can possibly carry. Don't worry, the net profit of the goods you got coming back to you are definitely worth the price of admish. (Short for "admission". It's a new thing I'm trying) 
Tell the person selling the tickets that you expect to win. If they don't reply, say it louder. You're a future champion after all, they will regret doubting you or not laughing at your jokes or not complimenting you on your beard just hours from now.  
At this point, you'll be forced to sit through some incredibly boring speeches. Whip out your phone and play games on it. They will be mind-numbingly boring and overly preachy and people will try way too hard to convince you about the "importance" of their "cause". Don't worry, this night will not be remembered for them, but rather for you, the winner of the raffle. They probably won't even cure the thing they're talking about, whereas you're still going to own that logo-ed T-shirt for three to five years. 
There are two types of raffle winners in this world. There's you, the awesome type, the type that deserves to win and it would be a disgrace to mankind if you achieved anything less. Then there's the old-person type, the confused elderly relative who wins a raffle and doesn't even shout when they do so. They just waddle up to the stage, bewildered that they've won something for the first time in their life. I don't understand why they can't just stay home so they can up the odds for the awesome-person type. Flipping through old photo albums, lamenting the way the world has changed, they should just stay in their place. I seriously don't understand why they can't do this. It bothers me very much. 
Note at this point in the evening, one of two things will happen. You'll either win and be inducted into the Hall of Charity Raffle Winning Champions, or somebody else will win on a fluke and you'll lead a crowd of booing. The fate of the rest of your evening hinges on this. Have you ever read "The Road Less Travelled By" by Robert Frost? I didn't think so, because poems are gay. 
When raffle numbers are being called, they will slowly be called off in an attempt to make the situation as tense and suspenseful as possible and it's expected that you do one really loud, sharp shout per digit announced. "Yeah", "Yo", "Whoa" "Whoo" and "Damn straight" are acceptable. 
IF THEY CALL A NUMBER THAT IS NOT ON YOUR TICKET, THUS MAKING YOUR PURCHASED RAFFLE TICKET VOID, it is completely acceptable to tear it up and shout one swear word per hundred dollars spent. It probably won't happen, don't worry, but you need to have an emergency response prepared for any outcome. 
On the slim chance you didn't win, grab your jacket and sulk outside and consider leaving early. Remind the octogenarian prize winner that they aren't long for this world and they didn't deserve to win. You don't deserve to win a coupon if there's a chance you could expire before the coupon does. Throw eggs at the banquet hall. Some relatives or fellow charity event attendees might try and tell you that winning a raffle is not based on any merit, it is a complete game of chance, but secretly, they too are seething with jealous rage. They wanted to win, but you were also their pick for "guy I'd hoped would win if I couldn't be the victor". 
Run all the way to the stage, hollering all the while, and work a few chest pounds into there. Scoop up your gift basket with two hands if going for the bottom, or one mighty fist if grasping the top. "Thanks" is implied so don't waste time saying it again. Plus, you paid them money which they're going to use on their stupid agenda anyway. Flaunt your basket proudly for the rest of the evening, dabbing your rightfully sweaty forehead with a banquet hall napkin, and graciously accept any congratulations that may come your way. Surveys show that the winning of a goods basket at an otherwise boring charity event is about on par in terms of happiness with the birth of your first-born child. Sometimes even more so because it is far less gross to watch. Fewer fluids. 
Unfortunately you can't actually use the decorative soap to clean yourself, as they are decorative, but you can for sure go to town on those yogurt-covered almonds and open them at the table right then and there. 
You've probably seen this, if not at an actual raffle, occur at a raffle as depicted on TV or in the movies. If the winnings of a raffle involve a cash prize, sometimes half the proceeds of the night will go towards the charity, and the other half will go to the raffle winner. Then, in a very inspired moment of personal triumph, the person will announce they don't need the money and will give their half back to the charity and everybody in the room claps. 
...What morons. Those people are usally "type B" raffle attendees. There is no way you should be stupid enough to do this. Or expected to. This is what we in the business call a "pyramid scheme".You won this money fair and square, why the hell would you give it back when there are jet-skis to be bought?  
Having won a raffle, it's an unwritten rule that everyone in the room is fair game to go home with you.