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June 22, 2016

Though at first I thought myself able to handle an Olympic sized volume of Jamba Juice, that theory has now failed.

Although we appreciate the support of our customers, Jamba Juice now finds it necessary to advise against the purchase of a pool’s worth of our products.

— Jeremy Jamba (Spokesman)

I am not a fool. If in my shoes, I have no doubt any one of you would do the same. Imagine you just got your paycheck. It’s a sultry summer afternoon in Fresno, and you’re drier than a Ken Burns documentary on unchewed gum. But you’re also loyal. Loyal to the brands that have awed you time and time again. And when you step into that Jamba Juice a thought strikes you like fast ball,

“Why just get a shake, when I could fill my entire swimming pool with that thick berry blend?”

And if you’re not asking questions, then you’re the idiot. Just once without a Olympic sized pool full of Jamba Juice.

As it became harder and harder to keep the critters away from the pool, I began asking myself who would give up first. Me, or the pool?

— Tony Montango (Pool Boy)

Science states that a theory must be proven right before it becomes a law. Unfortunately, my theory on being able to handle 660,430 gallons of Jamba Juice proved false, and there was no law stopping me from ruining my backyard.

However, if there is blame to be placed, I would look no further than the cashier who sold me my smoothie grave over the counter. While I may have appeared filled with childlike wonder, imagining the infamous bachelor parties I would throw with my Jamba Juice pool like a sort of Grapefruit Gatsby, any trained employee could tell this was but a state of mania caused by the feverish Fresno heat.

He walked in soaking wet with sunken eyes, waving a check and demanding that I “Fill him up, baby.” Now I’ve been in the Juice game a while, so I knew he wanted a drink. He kept coming back for more, but when you’ve been in the Juice as long as me, you learn to ignore warning signs and focus on the good stuff.

— Bernese Jammers (Employee Of The Month)

I’m not going to lie to you people, I’m in over my head, which is bad because as I’ve learned, submerging your head in Jamba Juice leads to you waking up to Tony desperately trying to suck the Juice out of your collapsing lungs. There is simply no practical application for this much Jamba Juice, outside of a Scrooge McDuck style dive in, during which I briefly felt like the bell of the berry ball. However that grace was short-lived, as I discovered the Juice had hardened in the hot sun, leaving me stuck for the better part of my weekend.

During that time I was saved from starvation and dehydration by the Jamba Juice. Truly a double edged sword, and it seems I have been cut twice.

He’s gonna say this isn’t about the divorce, but it is.

— Carol Conrad (Neighbor)

This isn’t about the divorce. This is about one man’s love for fruit, and how sometimes passion(fruit) can go too far. This pool of Jamba Juice has certainly proven itself to be more than I can handle, and now I must accept that limitation and move forward from it.

If any of you would like some Jamba Juice, please come by to 1890 Ocean Drive. There you will find my house, empty and abandoned, all except for the remaining 660,419 gallons of Jamba Juice cementing itself into the pool. I have ventured, and now it is time for you to gain. Take care.

Damn it is hot out… HEY! Is that an Orange Julius?

— Clyde Clydesdale (Banned from Jamba Juice Stores Everywhere)