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December 09, 2014
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DiCaprio Leaves Club With 20 Women And Then What?

Notoriously sexy actor Leonardo DiCaprio recently became a single man and even more recently left a club in Miami with exactly 20 women on his arm, according to an “awestruck snitch” for the NY Daily News. Very scandalous and titillating, right? Of course. But those are all the FACTS we have. If we want more celebrity NEWS, we’re going to have to make a few assumptions on the rest of the details.

Like, for instance, we can all assume what Leo was thinking leaving with all those women (Human Blanket!). But what were those 20 women thinking? That’s a little tougher. While I’m sure their goals and aspirations for the night were as varied as the cocaine flakes falling off the toilet seats of whatever dumb Miami club all these rich ass people were partying in, we can reasonably assume that each of these women was named Brittany.

I personally like to assume Leo left the club with 10 women on one side of him and 10 on the other, his arms impossibly stretched all the way to the outside shoulder of the furthermost woman on each side. Always walking 21 abreast, necessitating a gigantic door be installed at the club just to get them outta there. That’s how these playboys show their power. And as he was walking out with all these women on his arm, he definitely let out a “Twiiiiiiiiiiiiiins” with a wink to the bouncer. So badass.

Hmm, what else can we assume? They had sex? Sure. We can definitely assume some sex. But what were they wearing? Armani? Gucci? Wang (heh heh)? Yes, all of them. They were wearing layers and layers of designer clothes as the 21 of them rolled around sexing with each other.

We can assume it got hot, temperature-wise (to say nothing of how steamy the intercourse pile was passion-wise). But we can also assume wherever Leo was staying had a pool to cool off in after they were done. But also, ya gotta assume Leo has a heated pool, so that’s a wash. Champagne? Yes, let’s assume they cooled off with some refreshing chilled champagne.

But what happened after they all got too drunk to drive home? Well, since they would have needed a giant bus to accommodate the Leo’s-arms-around-10-women-on-each-side scenario, they would only need one of them to be sober enough to drive home, assuming they all live at the same place, which is safe to assume because what kind of person would agree to make 21-person whoopee unless they knew each other intimately?

So after they all get home and do their nighttime routines (get water glasses, load up their white-noise machines, etc.) they all whisper goodnight to each other, tuck themselves in bed, and fall asleep. Resting for a new day of 21-person sex with another celebrity tomorrow.

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