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January 20, 2017
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A timeline of the swearing-in of the 45th President.

5:30 A.M. EST Trump Tower, New York, New York
Melania arises from her slumber to wake her sleeping husband, only to find he’s been tweeting for the past 45 minutes.

6:43 A.M. The West Side Highway, New York, New York
The incoming President’s motorcade speeds down the West Side on their trip to Laguardia Airport, as the New York City Police Department shuts down the roadway for the bargain price of 3.1 Million dollars per second.

8:03 A.M. The White House, Washington, D.C.
As the Trumps arrive at the White House to greet the outgoing first family, Malia Obama puts the finishing touches on a series of Home Alone-esque booby traps hidden at every turn.

8:32 A.M.
President Obama greets Trump and wishes him good luck. But, psych! He has his fingers crossed behind his back.

9:59 A.M. West Front of U.S. Capitol Building
Moments before the ceremony begins, Former President Bill Clinton takes his seat with wife Hillary who gulps down three Zolofts.

12:02 P.M.
Donald Trump is sworn in as President of the United States. All things once thought impossible now seem possible.

12:03 P.M. (8:03 P.M. MSK) The Kremlin, Moscow, Russia
President Putin, parked in front of his television monitor, smiles quietly to himself as he strokes a white cat.

12:05 P.M. Capitol Building
Upon reciting the oath of office, Trump takes Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts aside and inquires about when he’ll be receiving his crown.

12:09 P.M. Jeb Bush Residence, Miami, Florida
Jeb Bush, watching the proceedings in bed and still in his pajamas, calls his campaign manager for the fifth time with the proposal to “give it another go” because he thinks they “can still squeak a win out.”

12:18 P.M.Capitol Building
Barely 20 minutes after leaving the office of the Presidency, Barack Obama sneaks off to the men’s restroom and ferociously smokes a pack of American Spirits.

1:12 P.M.CNN Studios, Washington D.C.
Viewers get worried after Jake Tapper seemingly stop repeating the phrase “Donald Trump is President” in hushed tones.

3:03 P.M. (1:03 P.M. PST) Billy Bush Residence, Los Angeles, California
Before checking his LinkedIn, Billy Bush takes another spoonful of Rum Raisin Haagen Diaz.

6:53 P.M. T.G.I. Fridays, Washington, D.C.
Upon sitting down for dinner at the only place he could get booked at, the Trump family and his incoming administration enjoy a magic show courtesy of D.C. based entertainer Frederick the Amazing.

11:33 P.M.The White House
With the election behind him and inauguration over, new President Trump lovingly gazes at the White House, figuring out where he’ll instruct groundcrews to install a giant golden “T.”

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