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June 07, 2013

When the undead threaten to extinguish your existence, you should be ready to defend yourself. This a funny, and arguably disturbing, piece about what you should take with you before embarking on a journey of survival.

You’re at home watching the season finale of Game of Thrones, season three, when an emergency news broadcast interrupts the show. The anchor woman who sounds calm, but with signs of distress showing all over her face, reports that the government has instituted a nationwide evacuation order. It’s unclear why and as she begins to explain the threat that humanity faces, a bloodied man in tattered clothes wanders onto the set.


His face is pale and droopy, with scars adorning it. His eyes stare into the unknown and appear to have a milky white substance blanketing them. He walks with his shoulders slouched and the right one appears to be partially severed off. He looks terrifying and this is seen by the reaction of the broadcast crew who frantically run aimlessly around the room without noticing the exit, two seconds away, to their left – because they never do.


As the anchor woman tries to get out of her seat and run, another one, like the undead man, grabs her from behind and bites into her neck. Her screams begin to gurgle as the blood seeps into her trachea. Two more appear and begin to maul into her intestines. And then… the broadcast shuts down. It’s the end of days – the zombie apocalypse is upon you, your family, friends and earthly possessions.  


Because you have no time to hear about the back story, which you’re most likely to find out when you stumble upon the scientist who brought this whole mess about, you get into action mode. You think of what you should take with you. The Man and Van in London has been devoured and there’s no time to call for a removal service, so what should you take? Should you travel light and hope that your stuff will be in the same condition you left it in when you return?


Everyone needs a Friend

If you’re a loner, it’s time to make a lot of friends and persuade them to carry some of your stuff – get that annoying neighbour of yours to come along if you have to. In the social theory of survival it’s common to assume that you must travel alone and leave weaklings behind. However, the more people there are, the more variety the zombies have to feast upon and the more likely you are to survive. It goes without saying that you should mentally and physically be the strongest.


Go go Gadget!

Only take gadgets that you can use as projectiles, or use to operate machinery and open electronic doors – your iPhone, Samsung Galaxy etc… will suffice. You might want to bury your PlayStation and Xbox because that will slow you down. You won’t really need a GPS, as satellite feeds have gone offline as well.



Man’s best friend

Your cat has always loathed the very essence of your being since you got it and has only used you for food. So the likelihood of it not abandoning you is similar to the likelihood of the government telling you that everything is under control and this is all just a drill. Your dog, however, will probably come to your aid and die as a result – it’s for a good cause. So make sure you take the good old pit-bull with you. If you own a poodle, you might want to reconsider.


Fast and the Furious

There is a dilemma that you will face in selecting the best car of the bunch. You will need a compromise between a well armoured vehicle and a fast agile sports car that has a sun roof. The sunroof will serve as an opening that your friend can poke out of and shoot the zombies using an SMG that you have just acquired from the not so alive soldier. A sporty SUV like the BMW X5 M or Porsche Cayenne Turbo is your best bet.


The Hammer of Thor

Because you’ve stumbled on the scientist who blundered the genetic experiment that gave rise to the un-dead, you now know that zombie blood is contagious when it comes into contact with your skin. So forget about your fantasies of wielding a chainsaw, axe or any lacerating or bludgeoning weapon and think of an air operated tool with a large, blunderbuss-like mouth that you can use to shoot projectiles in all directions.


Now that you know what you’re taking with you, it’s time to decide where on earth you’re going, and that sadly is not covered in this article. Sorry and good luck.