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January 17, 2011

Praying to Tom Brady Just Before Sunday's Game.

Our Brady, who art in Foxborough, hallowed be thy arm. Thy bowl will come, it will be won, in Dallas as it is in New England. Give us this Sunday, our weekly win, and give us many touchdown passes, but do not let the Jets pass against us. Lead us not into frustration, but deliver us to the valley of the sun. For thine is the MVP, the best of the AFC, and the glory of the Patriots, now and forever, AMEN!! GO PATS!

?Wow, praying to Tom Brady is just as useful as praying to Jesus.

I came across the above incantation a few hours before the big game last Sunday between the Jets and Pats. My Facebook page was littered with the hopes and dreams of the faithful for another Patriot victory. But wait, what happened? How could the good guys lose? What happened to our Lord and Savior? (I live in Massachusetts and you can't tell me that there isn't a cult of Brady.)

However, the team at the Theistic Institute of Technology (T.I.T.)  developed several theories why the Patriots lost yesterday despite all the heartfelt prayers.
Brady's decisions are a mystery. Listen, how can you perceive the mystery that is Brady? Have you wrestled with the Leviathan? Were you there when Brady laid the earth's foundation? Brady has the wisdom to count the clouds! What have you got? A bag of chips and some crappy store bought salsa.
This is punishment because the Brady's chosen people have been unfaithful. The followers of Brady have broken the Covenant of Brady. Worshipping idols, eating lobstah, and not buying every product that HE endorses are clear instances of breaking the Law. We're lucky HE doesn't send a swarm of locusts or kill our first born sons.

That was a test. That was only a test. At any moment Brady will descend from the Heavens and declare the faithful's dedication was not in vain. Brady will then break the Seven Seals and unleash the Horsemen of the Apocalypse upon the NFL. Many will die, but it will be all for the glory of Brady (and that makes it OK - just ask Brady).

The Patriots actually won. Only the heretics deny this divine truth. You only have to believe! Believing in belief is the highest virtue and can never be questioned. Simply stated, facts get in the way of the truth. What would you rather have: Brady or reality? Who would want to live in a world without Brady? Life would lose meaning without HIM.

It's Obama's fault. Afterall, Obama is a Muslim. The Great Recession, death panels, Nazi-Socialism are also his fault - in case you haven't been paying attention.
The Book of Brady never stated that HE was going to win that game. It's all about the translation of the Hebrew word lose. You see, the Greeks mistranslated that word in the Book of Brady so that lose became the word win. Don't you feel better now that you know there are no contradictions in the Good Book?
The T.I.T. researches are working around the clock to see which "theory" is valid.
Don't hold your breath.