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June 21, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Former Penn State coach Jerry Sandusky’s lawyers rested their case on Wednesday. At which point Sandusky tried to shake their hand and they in turn gave him an awkward fist bump.

Former Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak’s health continues to decline, according to officials. At this rate, doctors say, he will never walk like an Egyptian again.

Spain and Italy agreed to be bailed out following a $950 billion deal. Raising the question, just how many people did they kill?

“Terminator 3” star Nick Stahl is apparently missing again after disappearing a month ago. Or he’s just really bad at leaving a Post-It note.

Mark Wahlberg highlighted Justin Bieber’s acting abilities while discussing their upcoming movie together. Similarly, a fish highlighted a penguin’s flying abilities.

A new poll says President Barack Obama has a 13-point lead over challenger Mitt Romney. Giving Obama a comfortable “old T-shirt” lead but not quite a “mesh shorts that sag in the groin” lead.

Experts say the dust that workers were exposed to following the 9/11 attacks could not cause a single type of cancer. Said experts, “Unless you’re talking about metaphorical cancer, like a cancer of fear. In that case, yes.”

On the latest episode of her reality show, Kim Kardashian said she’d be like the Virgin Mary if she decided to be artificially inseminated. She then quoted Apostles 31:12: “And yea, please give me attention.”

20th Century Fox is reportedly working on a new “Sesame Street” movie. Rumor is it will be an unofficial prequel to “Alien.”

Investigators with the U.S. military advised against criminal charges for soldiers who burned a Quran in Afghanistan. Said investigators, “Because it’s not like they stuck in a dead person’s arm in the Quran, posed for a picture, peed on it then burned it. You’re thinking of those other soldiers.”

Kristen Stewart is No. 1 on Forbes’ list of the highest paid actresses. Stewart is also No. 1 on Forbes’ list of highest-looking actresses.