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September 20, 2009
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Jimbos World : (ISSUE #1)

In no way am I attempting to revisit Daves World in a Dave Barry kind of an approach, nor am I hoping to resurrect an Everyone Loves Jimbo type of feel. Its just that life keeps striking my funny bone and I truly believe that the great and powerful wizard, otherwise know as the maker of all things, has one hell of a sense of humor. Let me present to you, Exhibit A.

My Vehicle is Becoming a Fender Bender Magnet:

Twice in the last month Ive had vehicles bump the back end of my Rendezvous.

The first incident happened in a drive through line at Tim Hortons in Port Dover, Ontario. Me and the better half were at the end of a very long line, waiting our turn to grab some coffee and donuts. You see we are the Public Address announcers and pitch count people at the old ball park where the young one plays. Our pre-game ritual is to drop off the boy and head out to Timmys while the teams go through their warm-up routines.

Did I mention that we were under a full moon?

The first indication of trouble came when this big dude came strutting out of the shop and walked right in front of my car just as I was moving forward. He neither looked left or right. I slammed on the binders to avoid making him a 250 pound hood ornament. He didnt even favor me with a Thank you, sir!glance.

Asshole, I mumbled!

Within minutes of this incident my wife and I were jolted by the obvious impact of a vehicle ramming into the back of our own. No surprise, Mr. Charles Atlas had backed up his jeep without looking to see that the drive through line had snaked its way into the parking lot.

I jumped out to survey the damage just as my wife exclaimed, That big dude looks really pissed!

As I turned the corner to look at my back end I saw the guy approaching with a scowl on his face. My first impression was that  maybe he blamed me for being there in his space. But I thought, How could he have missed seeing me, considering he walked right in front of my car?Oh, ya, he didnt see my car that time either!

Upon further examination, I was pleased to see that there was just a small scratch on my rubber-baby-buggy-bumper fender. You know, those plastic fenders that can take a bit of a licking and keep on ticking.

My second impression was that the dude was either stoned or hung over from the night before. His metal-bar jeep fender thingy had a nice dent in it and he just stood there and stared at it!

Assessing the situation I concluded that we were relatively unscathed so I said, I guess you took the worst of that one! and walked back to jump in the car.

As I sat down my wife remarked, I thought that guy was mad at you and was going to give you a hassle!Translating from second grade teacher speak she really meant she thought I was about to get a whooping.

Naw, I said, I sized him up. One punch to the gut and he would have gone down like a rock!Thats pretty tough talk from a guy thats 5 foot six and approaching 60 years of age. Nevertheless, that was the end of it and we went our separate ways none the worse for wear.

 Or so I thought.

Lets fast forward a month later to this past Friday. I had just gotten back from a trip up to Guelph to pick up my daughter at the University. I was in the process of taking her to her boyfriends and at that moment was sitting at a stop light waiting for the red to change to green.

Bang!

 Were both jolted forward in our seats as once again someone has rammed into my arse end. Looking in my rearview mirror I see a soccer mom sitting in her van with a face as red as a tomato. Her eyes are looking this way and that as if nothing happened.

I turn and give her the evil eye and as the light turns from red to green, I slowly move through the intersection, creeping forward at a snails pace.

My daughter says to me, Arent you gonna get out, Dad, and see if theres any damage? That bitch smashed into us! GEEZ!

Honey, I say. Weve got rubber-baby-buggy bumpers!

Wh-aaaaaa-t?she says. If looks could kill, Id be writing my obituary instead of this piece. Seriously!

With my assailant in my rearview I drive ever so slowly up the road. She has backed off considerably. I slow down even more. Im crawling forward, slower than my usual senior citizen speed. Im muttering, Putt, putt. . .Putt,Putt!

Dad, what are you doing? Meghan asks.

I want her to think Im a psycho! I reply.

After having a little fun, (maybe five blocks worth) I leave it at that and make the turn to the boyfriends. (I put my signal on well in advance, like maybe half a mile away, just to piss her off.) Then, I offer one more stare of death as that psycho women, battering-ram, passes us.

Dad, I cant believe you just let that happen without stopping to check for damage, Meghan sighs. This is neither the first nor the last time Ive frustrated my 19 year old daughter.

Rubber-baby-buggy bumpers, is my reply.

Upon arriving at the boyfriends (Hers not mine.), we both survey for possible damage and, fortunately, there is none to be found. Those plastic, reinforced rubber thing-a-ma-doodles work like a charm. However, I am convinced that they contain highly magnetic force fields of Star Wars proportions.

As I drive away and head for home, a saying my mother used to say comes to mind, Things always happen in threes, dear!

Ill let you know if that statement is true, but Im truly hoping weve experienced that last of these kick-in-the-ass surprises.

 

 

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