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July 22, 2016
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Garbage Can Be Porno If You Squint Hard Enough

They say we live in an “Internet Age,” but if you’re like me and the only piece of technology in your apartment is a fax machine, sometimes you have to rely on your imagination, especially when it comes to porno.

Don’t get me wrong, I love nudie mags as much as the next guy (I’ve been a subscriber to Buttman for so long they send me flowers on my birthday) but when you jerk it on-the-go as much as I do, actual pornography is not always easy to come by (or should I say “Cum by?” Heh heh. I should).

Out of sheer necessity, I’ve developed an uncanny ability to look at normal, everyday garbage and imagine it to be a sexy pair of tits, a delicious fat ass, or the gaping cloaca of barely-legal peahen. It’s sorta like those cartoons where one character is starving and their friend’s head suddenly morphs into a steaming Thanksgiving turkey or a cheeseburger — only with me the friend is garbage, the meal is porno, and I’m almost constantly hungry.

I’ll give you an example: The other day I was catching the Uptown D train to Port Authority (their bathrooms are pretty filthy so I like to take my number twos there) and I saw a bunch of tortilla chips and ground beef discarded on the subway platform. Well, I squinted my eyes a bit, and I’ll be damned if those corn chips didn’t immediately become porn chips, transforming before my very eyes into a fully-nude Chyna from WWE (rest in peace). Needless to say I immediately put my own dick in a suplex and moments later defeated it by submission.

Some MTA guys were about to call the cops on me but I made them take a long, hard look at those meaty chips and wouldn’t you know it? Soon they were able to see all the way to Chyna themselves. They say if you teach a man to fish, he’ll eat for a day, but if you teach a man to see pornography in everyday objects, he’ll beat off for a lifetime. Point is; this gift is not mine alone. It can be taught. All it takes it focus, imagination, and an unwavering desire to jerk off.

Now, I’m not saying cancel your AOL subscription or whatever you dickheads use to get your cyber porn. I encourage the viewing of sweaty asses across all platforms. But if you put down the phablets long enough to take in the world of sexy garbage around you, you might just find that your ideal porno platform is the one covered with tortilla chips in the subway.


Via Medium

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