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January 08, 2016
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The shape of your ass could explain why you feel like shit all the time. Which kind do YOU have?

It’s 2016 and chances are if you’re a person you’ve probably taken a gander or three at your own dumper in the mirror at some point in your life. You may not know it, but that wasn’t just mere insecure curiosity at play but instead natural survival instinct kicking in. That’s because the shape of your ass can actually say a lot about your health. Scratching your head? Well, start scratching your ass and keep reading because your very LIFE COULD DEPEND ON IT*. (*And you know by the capitalization we’re not f***ing around.) Keep readingto find out if your ass is a big dumpy stairway to hell or a supple trophy shining like a butt beacon of health.


1. FLAT ASS

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Important Question: Are you dead and lying on a morgue examination table? A flat ass could mean you’re one of those unsightly dead corpses that get all flat on the bottom after laying in a long cold refrigerator for awhile. If you’re not dead and infact reading this, then there’s still hope. Get your flat ass to McDonald’s, order some double cheeseburgers and do as many squats as possible while you slam those grease sandwiches down your throat.On the other hand, maybe sleeping on hard wood floors is your thing.


2. SAGGY ASS

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The only logical explanation here is that you’re a superhero who’s only weakness is the earth’s cruel gravitational pull. Guess you picked the wrong planet, huh? Man, bet your ass would look awesome on Mars or some other planet that wouldn’t pull on your ass cheeks like an annoying child pulls at their own face. Is it hot where you live? You could be melting. If we were you,we’d consider joining NASA or looking into finding some other way off this rock and getting to a place where your ass doesn’t look like a droopy bag of uncooked bread dough, ASAP.


3. BUBBLE ASS

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Hey, hey, hey … you’re like a Kardashian, but without the money, fame or obsession with the letter K. If you have a big bubble ass, your body has decided it’s going to take everything you eat and store the nutrients there like a giant ass camel. Maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s Burger King. Who really knows? While it’s great cushioning if you ever fall backwards and rap videos always need extras, keep in mind that EVERY person of EVERY color will be staring at it and judging that booty. Sorry, Bubble Ass … it’s human nature.


4. SQUARE ASS

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Congratulations, you’re a cartoon sponge! Good luck finding pants that fit anywhere other than an imaginary underwater reef. An easy way to fix this is to stop sitting in boxes like an overstuffed person package. Medically speaking of course, your ass is able to suck up liquids faster than any other ass shape,which is great if you are prone to spilling your drink all the time like some sort of dumb clumsy f***ing asshole.


5. DIMPLED ASS

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Terrific, your ass and a chunky toddler’s face have something in common. Grandmas and aunts just love dimples, so in addition to dimples you’re probably looking at an ass-load of bruises from all that pinching. Dimples are your body’s way of saying “Hey! There’s way too much fat in this ass and not enough skin to hold it all in!” Now if only there was a way to surgically move those dimples from your ass to your face. There’s always Kickstarter, right?


6. COTTAGE CHEESE ASS

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(bowl of cottage cheese used for sake of common decency)

Not too dissimilar to the Dimpled Ass. To be certain you have this type of ass make sure you’re not next to a circus mirror and a supermarket dairy case. If you have this type of ass, perhaps you fell asleep on a soccer field and a team practiced on your shitter with cleats for a few hours? Did you leave your ass out on the counter to long? Unfortunately, no change in diet will help, but new advances in modern medicine have yielded an ass iron that can be used to“melt the cheese” as it were. If that doesn’t work remember, lots of people like cheese.


7. BONEY ASS

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You’re obviously an alien of some sort in an ill-fitted people suit. Work harder to fit in and find a person’s skin that better fits you. Fortunately, Halloween is nevermore than 364 days away.AND FOR CHRISSAKKES COVER UP AND TRY TO BLEND IN.


8. HAIRY ASS

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You’ll be happy to know that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you. Nope,not one single thing. NADA, ZIP, ZILCH. In fact, you’re the epitome of health. Hair keeps you warm … just ask anybody. You can never have too much of a good thing. No sir/ma’am, you certainly CAN NOT. Unless it’s ass … and we’ve definitely seen how that can be a HUGE problem. Body hair is a sign of health and anyone who has a problem with it is a monster. SIDE NOTE: Are you an animal?


9. WRINKLED ASS

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YOU’RE OLD! Ah-doyeeeee!! That old wrinkled ass is attached to an old wrinkled body, and all the Vitamin E,Collagen, Botox, and liposuction in the world won’t ever turn that sad Sharpei looking sack of crusty Grandma buns into Georgia peaches. Time has unfortunately run it’s cruel and indiscriminate course on your ass like a dirtbike rally filled with unforgiving thrill seekers. Time to move to Florida!

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What kind of ass do you have?

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