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Published January 22, 2012

Crocs. They're ugly as sin. That, my friends, is a statement of fact. Quite frankly, they have been around for far too long. Why do people continue to purchase these hideous monstrosities?

 

Oh, they're COMFORTABLE. So is the coffin you'll be in days after I murder your tasteless ass for sporting such terrible footwear. Maybe they are comfortable. That doesn't excuse the fact that they look like a unicorn vomited on a maxi pad.

Men - If you're wearing crocs, that's the only rubber you'll be wearing in the foreseeable future. And women, you're just pathetic. Girls are supposed to be the ones with fashion sense. If you're a girl and you plan on wearing Crocs out in public; save yourself the heart wrenching ridicule and just stay home, read some science fiction novels and practice making out with your pillow.

Now, there is no doubt that the original Crock shoe style was sickening enough. Unfortunately for all of our eyes, the company has gradually been releasing newer, more unsightly versions of the original. Here are some of the most blood curdling sights you will ever see. Warning: Not for the faint of heart, or non-necrophiliacs. (I feel as if those who deal with necrophilia would enjoy the unique comfort that Crocs provide.)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

First and foremost: What in the FUCK is THIS?! There is no purpose. Literally. No purpose. Oh NO, it's really cold and snowy so I need a boot-type shoe, but I also crave the ability to wiggle my toes freely. I just hope the middle of my boot is made of rubber and filled with holes so my feet don't actually stay warm at all. Idiots. It's impractical, and uglier than a red-headed step child. This must be the official shoe of intergalactic gay prostitutes.

 

 

 

 

 

It's a very special and long-awaited day in your inbred family. Your excuse for a son is finally old enough to go huntin' and do some meth with you and the guys. The Camo Croc is the perfect shoe choice for the occasion: If you want gay deer to make of you! I had high hopes that even the most toothless, uneducated rednecks had better taste than this. Then again, I did hear that after 36 cans of Busch and 4 crack pipes the Croc feels like you're walking on a cloud. A big, fat, WHITE AMURICAN CLOUD, YEEEEEEEEHAAW!

 

 

 

 

 

Ugh, I'm so tired of struggling to figure out how I can look like a retarded duck. Problem solved with this bad boy! This doesn't merit OR deserve an explanation. There's really only one scenario in which this shoe makes any sense. This scenario is: I want to convey the message that I'm an outdoorsy Dad, but I don't want to appear to be an acceptable and sane human being. That's it! Wear these anywhere outside of your home and I GUARANTEE you'll get slaughtered with a samurai sword or other unorthodox weapon.

 

 

I'm sincerely sorry that you folks had to expose your eyes to such explicit filth. My only intention is raising awareness about how Crocs being worn is affecting our society. World hunger is rising. Poverty is at it's highest. Murder rates are climbing. ALL due to Crocs. Someone put a stop to this madness or else I'm going to continue going through life bitching about how ugly they are. I don't really have any other valid threats. That was an exceptionally mediocre way to close my argument. Ugh. Fine, I'll just kill all of the weirdos who wear Crocs. That is all.

 

 

 

Mike Gursky

Follow me on twitter @gurskyman

 

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