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July 19, 2011

7/19/11 monologue

Philadelphia Eagles star quarterback Michael Vick is scheduled to pledge his support Tuesday for new legislation to crack down on supporters of dog fighting.

I think it is great that Michael Vick is doing this. But Eagles’ fans just want a super bowl. Fans that once pelted Santa Clause with snowballs don’t care if Michael Vick has to adopt a poodle and eat Kal Kan, they just want a super bowl.

And in related news, NFL owners could approve labor deal as early as Thursday.


Everybody is breathing a sigh of relief.  Because we love football and because we’d really have no other excuse to eat bratwurst, wings, nachos, cheesy fries and wash it down with 2 gallons of Schlitz every Sunday.


High temperatures have led authorities to place 20 states under heat warnings or advisories, while humidity is making it feel as hot as 115 across the South and Midwest.

    It’s so hot in the Midwest that the Amish are taking their shirts off. But the beard stays!

A giant wall of dust rolled through the Phoenix area on Monday, turning the sky brown, creating dangerous driving conditions and delaying some airline flights.

    C’mon Arizona! This is called overcast in Cleveland.


And lastly, a report surfaced last weekend that Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren's new boyfriend, Jamie Dingman, used to date Rachel Uchitel, Tiger Woods' shady #1 mistress.

Elin can’t catch a break here in her love life. Maybe she should just carry around a consent form. “Hi, before we interact, do you currently or have you ever had any relations with Rachel Uchitel? Please indicate and initial here, here, and here.” 

Just goes to show that some women have no sense of skankflank. You know, men who love skanks on the side.