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Published February 22, 2013

From Issue #006 of The Occasional

You can’t tell right now, but I’m sick. It’s hard to tell whether or not a person is sick if you don’t care. But life is so much easier if you don’t care about other people. For example, my wife said she wanted to have a kid, and I said, “I don’t care what you want.” Now I don’t have a kid, or a wife, but have tons of time!

I’m not sure how I got sick. My friend said it was probably from petting and kissing all those stray dogs I saw at the park. I remember he said I should stay away from them because they looked mean and feverish. But I don’t listen to him because he’s really short. I just keep him around to make me look taller. Plus, it’s hard to tell if a dog is sick or not. It’s also hard to tell if a dog is a guy or a girl. The best way to figure that out is to ask the dog’s owner if it has a pussy. That usually helps narrow it down. Unless the owner is being a prude. 

Regardless of what happened, I’m at the doctor’s office now. Before today, I hadn’t met many doctors. I know people say they are great, but I don’t see what the big deal is. If I wanted someone to tell me what to do with my body, I’d get a third dad (I already have two: one real dad and one fake dad to make my real dad jealous). I’m just not impressed. Anyone can go to college for eight years. Try doing nothing for eight years straight. That’s an accomplishment. And I don’t need certificates on my wall to let people know I’m successful. That’s why you buy a falcon. If you can’t afford a falcon, you can just lie about having one to impress the barista near your house. She’s not coming over anyway. And if she does, just put a sign on your bedroom door that says “Warning: Falcon. Do Not Enter.” If she still calls your bluff, push her in the room and lock her up with the rest of your secrets.

I don’t think we even need doctors. Anyone can give medical advice if they want to. “Don’t shit blood.” There, I just gave medical advice. And I didn’t even need a lab coat to do it. It would have helped. They have so many pockets and buttons. A lab coat is basically Batman’s utility belt in coat form. “Don’t eat blood.” That’s some more medical advice for you. Eating blood is bad because it’s not a food.  I’m kind of on fire with this medical advice thing. “Don’t steal blood.” That’s a mix of medical advice and one of the Ten Commandments. “Thou shalt not blood.” That’s just a Commandment with the word “blood” instead of “kill”. Thought it sounded cool.  

Here is a list of three jobs that impress me more than being a doctor:

  1. Gravedigger: A lot of teenagers sneak onto cemeteries to smoke cigarettes, and one of the cool parts about being a gravedigger is you get to chase them away with a shovel. I chase people with a shovel for free all the time, and it’d be nice to get paid for that.
  2. Guys Who Look For Bigfoot: These guys basically get to camp with their buddies and shit in the woods. I actually think it’s less about finding Bigfoot, and more about shitting in the woods. People are gross like that.
  3. Thermometer: I know it’s not a job people do, but I think it would be cool to be a thermometer. You’re outside all the time, and people pay attention to you. That’s more than I can say about being a stupid person. No one pays attention to me. And I wear a top hat and scream a lot. That’s hard to ignore.  

In conclusion, doctors seem to get paid a lot of money to boss us around about our bodies. For example, when I found out I had canine tuberculosis, my doctor laid into me about my personal life then said he’d have to examine me further. No thank you. I watch a lot of pornos, and I know how exams like that end up (with getting jizzed on).

 

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