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July 01, 2013

Twitter has begun to bore me. That's because we've been using it wrong. Instead of using it to share irrelevant sentence-long decrees and manifests, we should be using Twitter like it was meant to be used- to facilitate intoxication and get people trashed.

A lot happens on Twitter. You're following celebrities, friends, stupid meme accounts that used to be funny, and probably a couple of parody accounts about your teachers. What is it all for, though? Do you really need to know that some girl from school is going to wear yoga pants and Converse while riding a horse? Yes, yes, you do. Because things like that are about to get you very fucked up very soon. Every time you see a Tweet that fulfills the criteria below, you must take a drink. Sometimes many drinks. And then Twitter will be fun again. 


Take 1 Drink every time:

  • A girl posts a link to a selfie. Drink twice if she's hot. Three times if she's ugly.
  • Someone retweets something that is supposed to be funny but isn't
  • Tyler the Creator (@fucktyler) says some variation of the word hello
  • Every time the following hashtags are used: #mancandymonday #womancandywednesday #ThrowbackThursday/#TBT #SelfieSunday
  • Every time an ugly girl complains about being lonely
  • Somebody subtweets
  • Someone praises LeBron
  • Someone criticizes LeBron

Drink Twice if:

  • Someone makes a drug reference. Drink three times if their Twitter name is itself some type of drug reference
  • You have had sex with the poster of a Tweet
  • Someone retweets a picture of a cat
  • A hipster Tweets about a band you have never heard of
  • One of those annoying activist people Tweets about the ignorance of his peers

Take Three Sips If: 

Special Rules:

  • If at least three hashtags are used, you must drink once for each of them
  • Every time an obscure emoji is used, two drinks shall be taken. Should two obscure emojis be used in the same tweet, four drinks. Anything above two shall result in eight drinks.
  • Bonus points shall be awarded for Tweeting a link to the first video on pornhub.com's homepage.