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May 22, 2008


Long term relationships are for losers.  Forget the fact that 55% of marriages end in divorce.  How about that 83% of all serious relationships (anything that lasts longer than 3 months) end in breakups?  Five out of six relationships you know are doomed to failure.  Think about it.  Every time you get to that "amazing" stage where you officially decide to call each other boyfriend or girlfriend and start planning how to spend the holidays together, try to remember that the odds are you'll be broken up by the next holiday.  And in that precious time you do have together before the tears start, you will spend 45% of ALL conversations with friends, family, therapists and dental hygienists complaining.  He doesn't listen…she doesn't say what she wants...he's not sensitive to my feelings…she's trying to change me…he farts in his sleep… 

So why do you do it?  Why do you strive for True Love when the chance of a fairy tale ending is next to impossible?  Why do you cling to an ideal propagated by cheesy Patrick Dempsey romantic comedies and 18th Century poems written by people who only lived to 40 and because of war, working in the fields and the sheer distance between anything and anything, barely even got to know the people they wrote about?  I'll tell you why.  Because you're a sucker!  And you're destined to be unhappy for the rest of your life.  Unless you take my advice…

A good one-night stand is more like true love than true love ever was. 

Here's why.

You're at a bar, a party, a dinner table, a yoga class, a book club, school or the dog park and you look up and see someone and for some reason you can't look away as fast as you want to.  Guess what?  You're in love.  It's that simple.  No, not die for the person love, or start a war over them love, or give up everything and everyone you have for kind of love – but don't all those things sound like reasons to develop a Prozac addiction?  I'm talking about real love.  Sweaty palms, heart beating fast, nervous, excited, tingling in the loins…the kind of love that feels awesome.  But hold on there, Loin-Tingler.  Does this person who just captured your heart feel the same way about you?  In the traditional True Love timeline, you'd have to wait at least 2-3 days for the answer.  Guys aren't allowed to call too soon, girls aren't allowed to call at all…so you wait.  And wait.  And while you wait, you binge eat and don't sleep and if you ever do end up on a second date, you look and feel like crap.  BUT in the one-night stand version, you find out whether the person loves you back in two or three seconds.  Do they hold your inadvertent stare longer than they'd like to.  If they do… congrats, the love is mutual!  If not, you've wasted all of 3 seconds of your life.  So pull yourself together and move on.

Next is the courtship period.  The traditional version can last anywhere from several days to several months as a couple gets to know one another.  It involves date after date after date in various, impressive locales where you compare lists of likes and dislikes, personal histories, relevant "ex" info, meet each other's friends, and then a whole lot of time apart where you and your friends analyze every second of it.  Often, this lengthy process results in either you or the person you're interested in losing interest, meeting someone else, or being convinced by their lame friends that there's something wrong with you.  In the one-night stand version, the courtship period is as long as it takes to realize you both want to have sex - plus the travel time required to get wherever you need to go to have it.  A couple hours, tops.  If it goes longer than that…bail.  This is NOT the right person for you.  Finding love should never take longer than getting a mani/pedi.

People often complain about "first-time" sex with someone new.  These people are crazy.  First time sex is the absolute best kind of sex.  It's exciting and mysterious, daring and unpredictable.  Every gesture and touch is a signal, hint or clue to help discover new worlds of pleasure.  People ruin awesome first-time sex when their dumb brains spend the whole time thinking about what everything means in the long term. Who cares about the long term?!  You're having sex.  Stop thinking.  Meaning is the death of pleasure.

But the best part of a one-night stand is that you never break up.  The relationship ends, sure.  But you both know it in advance, so no one has to slowly come to that conclusion.  There's no fighting or arguing.  No one gives anyone the silent treatment.  No one has to wrestle if it's the right or wrong thing to do.  No one has to get their courage up to break the bad news and no one has to hire a private investigator to find out the other one was cheating.  

One-night stands are like orgasms.  They start all of a sudden, build in intensity, feel awesome, and then they're over and you get on with the rest of your life and start getting excited for the next one.  A different one.  And in that sense, orgasms are like snow flakes…no two are alike.  Only Sting and weird yoga people try to make one orgasm last an entire month.  Who has the time for that?

A one-night stand captures the purity and power of love without letting it get ugly, grow old and die.  Long-term relationships have ups and downs.  They're uncertain.  They need work.  WORK?  If you want more work in your life, get another job!  At least then you'll get paid for it. 

I dare any of you, real or imaginary, to give me one good reason why True Love DOESN'T suck.