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July 25, 2014

Russian scientists can no longer contact their satellite containing geckos participating in a space sex experiment. This is a transcript of their frustrations.


High above the Earth floats a Russian satellite containing five geckos whose only mission is to have sex in space. Sometime after launch, the satellite’s operators became unable to control the satellite, although they still receive data transmissions monitoring the gecko activity. Here is today’s log from the scientists monitoring the satellite.

02:00 GMT - Lizards just sitting there. So far they have not had sex but here is to some better luck today!

02:10 GMT - Tried to turn on “Drunk in Love” in hopes that would encourage lizards to have sex, but still unable to connect to stereo due to communications malfunction. Geckos still not having sex.

2:30 GMT - Sensors indicate a gecko got close to the tiny bottle of lizard pinot grigio … but did not open it. Geckos still just sitting there not having sex.

3:00 GMT - Sex detectors went off!

3:10 GMT - Sensors indicate the detected sex was from two crickets. Crickets were eaten mid-coitus by geckos. Geckos still not having sex.

3:32 GMT - Attempts to reconnect with lizard porn player on satellite have failed. Sensors indicate player is paused in the middle of ‘I-guana Fuck You 3: Cumodo Dragon’s Revenge.’ No geckos are close to accidentally stepping on the “Play” button. Getting lizards back in the mood seems increasingly unlikely.

4:00 GMT - Geckos now hanging out but passing time playing Gecko version of Ticket to Ride that replaces trains with lizard-trains. Gecko sex clearly not imminent.

5:13 GMT - Attempt made to turn on robotic stripping gecko. Both female stripping gecko robot (“Chamille the Chameleon”) and male stripping gecko robot (“Chuck the Fireman-lizard") not responding. Sensors indicate Chuck’s head has been gnawed off.

6:00 GMT - Lizards just sitting there doing little push-ups.

6:30 GMT - Lizards just sitting there still doing little push-ups.

7:00 GMT - Lizards sleeping? Lizards sleep, right? Lizards not having sex, that is for sure.

8:00 GMT - Sex detectors going off!

9:30 GMT - Sex detectors still going off! Lizards must be going crazy up there, pop the champagne!

10:00 GMT - Sensors indicate sex detectors were just picking up sex of two birds that got on board. Birds have eaten lizards.

10:30 GMT - Mission goals have changed to observing bird sex in space. We’ll get lizard data next time, birds are just as good!

11:00 GMT - Both birds dead. Geckos were poisonous to birds.

12:00 GMT - Lizard Porn Player has resumed. Cricket jumped on “Play” button.