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“Bonjour. How’s it going/how are things? Many people have been waiting for this moment for many long years. Others, younger, have never known such a time. I am proud to be capable to bring about hope again. I have diarrhoea.

"My name is Francois Hollande. Malheureusement, n’est pas? I live in Paris, France. Good night. My hobbies are films, collecting Warhammer figurines, playing football and planning strategies to rescue our nation from the divisive politics of the Sarkozy administration. Enjoy your meal!

Austerity can no longer be inevitable. I have a plan to rework a deal on government debt in eurozone member countries so that we can focus on promoting growth. I also have a dog. The name of my dog is Max.

I am the president of the youth of France. I am the president of all the collective pride of France. I am the president of Justice in France. I have a penfriend in Germany. His name is Klaus.

Remember for the rest of your life this great gathering at the Bastille because it must give a taste to other peoples, to the whole of Europe, of the change that is coming. I would like to buy these postcards, please. And three stamps.

In all the capitals, beyond government leaders and state leaders, there are people who, thanks to us, are hoping, are looking to us and want to put an end to austerity. To them I say: do you have a table for two? This steak is raw.

My true enemy has no name, no face, no party. He will never stand for election and will never be elected. Despite all this, he is in charge. My enemy is the world of finance. And I do not like cats also. My sister likes cats. My sister has two cats.

I will be a president of everybody. Cooked in its own juice. I would like two tickets to the Gare du Nord. One way. Good evening.

Too many divisions have divided our citizens. The first duty of the president of the republic is to unite and make each citizen participate in the heavy changes needed to get our country out of the crisis. Bonjour. How are you? You’ve got the wrong number.

I will be a president of everybody. This evening there are not two Frances face-to-face, but only one nation facing the same destiny. Please speak slowly. I have a stomach ache. Hello!"

 

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