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July 25, 2012

I lovingly explain the birds and the bees to my unborn child



Future Son/Daughter:

Let's talk about sex, baby.

Well not BABY. LIKE A BABY BABY. I truly hope that you are reading this as a gross and lonely teenager and not as a cute little rugrat. Let me be clear Future Kid, I do not want to talk about this shit with a baby. This subject matter is not appropriate (or legal?) to discuss with infants or toddlers. I included toddlers in that last sentence because the word "baby" is kind of subjective, I guess. OH! FUCK, MAN! WHAT IF AFTER YOU WERE BORN I PULLED SOME AWESOME BALLER FUTURE DAD MOVE AND BOUGHT YOU THOSE BABY GENIUS TAPES AND NOW YOU'RE HELLA SMART. LIKE ALL FRESH OUTTA THE WOMB READING BOOKS AND SHIT?! STOP READING THIS NOW, FUTURE BABY. Woah. Calm down Present Day Hadz, you currently can't even afford to upgrade your Taco Bell Cantina Bowl to a value meal so unless something changes drastically, I seriously doubt Future You is going to be dropping mad cash on some learnin' tapes just so y(our)? baby has an off chance to be slightly smarter than average. Whew. You're right. Wait. That means I'm right? because I'm you? I'm confused now. Let me start over Future Son/Daughter...


Future Son/Daughter:


First off, I want you to know that I think I love you very much. It wasn't always this easy, probably. I imagine I will never forget the first time that I lay my eyeballs on you. Your tiny future body just emerging on this planet covered head to toe in your mom's vagina blood and your own dark brown anal poo. I'm assuming you'll freak the shit out of Future Me. You might even look like a cute little bloody demon monster hahaha. That's not funny, actually. It's gonna be gross. I'm prepared to barf like a whole lot of barf. And what about that damage you're going to do to Future Mom's future clam? Not cool, little man/girl. They say that it bounces right back to normal, but we all know it never does. Let's put it this way, the rest of your mom will have the body of Victoria's Secret but the vagina of Lane Bryant. You probably don't understand that reference, and that's ok, kid! I'll break it down for you, as that's what I'm here for! What it means is that your gigantic baby head is going to irreparably tear and rip your mom's warm and moist vaginal walls. You fucking butthole. I love(d) those walls.

OK.  Enough of that nonsense. Focus. Let me cut to the chase, future kid. The reason I am writing this letter to you is so that you can learn this important information from the smartest man you know, maybe. I tend to avoid putting myself in awkward situations if I don't absolutely have to be in them and the stereotypical proper parenting guidelines do not qualify as "absolutely having to" in my book. As you can probably tell by all the previous language English dope ass dictionary words leading up to this part, I am much better at displaying my intellect and expressing my feelings through written words than I would be at just speaking them to you. 

Drum roll please........

It's meat and potatoes time, kid! The good stuff. Bumpin dem uglies n' shit. Mmm I like dat. There's no easy way to put this but.... I fucked your mom. A lot. I fucked her hard. I fucked her good. I repeatedly shoved my ding dong in and out of her crotch purse until I completed. Completion = my pouch juice shooting out of my pee hole at a very high velocity, right inside of your mother's awaiting muff. This maneuver is called a creampie. C-R-E-A-M-P-I-E. Say it with me now: CREEEEAAAAAMPIIIIIEEEE. Good job!

Now after that happened, my juices combined with her lady goo and a tiny human baby formed (YOU!) like some sort of fucked up science experiment or something. I really don't know the specifics dude google/bing that shit to learn more if you have to. Do y'all still have google in the future? Guess I'll find out on my own lol. I bet future google is craaaazy dope.

Then you lived in your mommy's tummy for like a year and a half and it really sucked cuz she stopped smoking cigs and I couldn't bum Newports off her anymore. But I overcame my struggles (per usual) and you could really learn a life lesson from that/me. It's called perseverance.

Great. And then you were born (see above about ripping and tearing vaginal walls).

The point is this: don't have sexual intercourse AT ALL until you are SURELY in love with your partner. Real talk. It's fun, homie. OH GOD IS IT FUN. It's just not worth it, dude. You could become or get someone pregnant real easily and in the future even straight people might be able to get AIDS. I know that sounds crazy, but it might be true? You're prob all like "Dad why can't we just use protecton?!" BECAUSE IT SUCKS THAT'S WHY. CONDOMS WERE INVENTED BY THE DEVIL HIMSELF, RETARD. YOU CAN'T FEEL A DAMN THING. Don't talk like that in my house, kid. Sorry for calling you a retard.

I have attached a list of masturbatory websites to the back of this letter that I demand you frequent in order to get your rocks off safely. I will perform weekly computer history checks AND I BETTER SEE SOME CRUSTY SOCKS IN THE LAUNDRY, YA FEEL ME?

Fucking is very special. And so are you, I hope. After you have read this letter entirely, have your mother drop you off at whatever shitty future local bar I am destined to be at and come inside. Take a nacho or two, I don't give a shit. I look forward to our warm embrace and me rustling your blonde/brown/black/red* hair (*in case of red hair, this letter would have been delivered by your foster dad). You're an adult now. You have working gennies. And pubes (congrats again on the pubes). Don't fuck this up.



Future Dad