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January 27, 2015
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An analysis of why horny cats are great, better than regular cats, seriously.

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Horny Cat, \#nofilter.

If you like cats, you’re going to love horny cats. They bring cats to a whole other level of fun, entertainment, and affection. If you’ve never experienced a horny cat when it’s not fucking another cat, I feel sorry for you. They say a horny cat is in heat, but it’s more like she’s in heaven. My heaven, that is, because I’m loving how great this horny cat is right now.

I know what you’re thinking: Don’t celebrate the horniness of a cat. It’s wrong. Let the cat be. Let the cat wallow in its horniness in private until the shameful feelings and uncontrollable actions have subsided. Also, you probably think I should have had my cat fixed by now.

Look, my cat can’t help that she’s horny. I’ll get her fixed eventually, but for now, she’s horny and there’s nothing I can do about it, save for opening the window and letting some street cats have their way with her. I’m not going to do that, and I won’t let my cat go through this tough time alone. So put your pitchforks down, and open your minds and hearts to horny cats and what they have to offer.

Horny cats are just like regular cats, but horny. Horny cats purr at lot more, let you pet them more, roll around the floor in funny ways — it’s great. It’s kind of like when your opposite-sex platonic friend is really horny, so they say silly nonsense and hug you just a little tighter when they leave.

We all give our cats catnip because you can tell they like it, and it’s fun for us because it makes them act ridiculous. Well, this is just like giving a cat a big shrub of catnip, except it’s not catnip, it’s horniness. She makes constant little chirping noises. She wanders around the apartment, in search of something without knowing what. You know what she finds? Me, with open arms, ready to give her all the affection she craves — all the affection she craves except for straight-up sex, of course.

When I pet her, sure it’s obvious that she wishes I was fucking her instead, but she still likes the petting a lot. And sure, while she’s horny her tail instinctively juts off to the side in case you are a cat penis ready to stick it in and don’t want that tail in the way, but you can just ignore that. And fine, OK, she shows me her butt a little more than usual, but when you own a cat you’re going to see a lot of cat butt, anyways.

And alright, fine, at night she wails a lot, sure, but even the deep moans of desire can be fun. You can say stuff out loud that the cat will answer each time. Here’s a fun example of a conversation you can have with your horny cat:

CAT: “ROWR”

ME: “Hey, horny cat. You horny?”

CAT: “ROWR”

ME: “You wish you could have sex right now, huh, little kitty?”

CAT: “ROWR”

ME: “Am I the best owner ever, little kitty?”

CAT: “ROWR”

Still not convinced horny cats are the best? Here’s a few graphs that prove everything:

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Horny Body Control Graph.png
Horny Purr Graph.png
Horny Affection Toward Owner.png
Horny Confusion Graph.png

Look, guys, all I’m saying is, who doesn’t like to feel frisky? Isn’t frisky a word often associated with cats? That’s because the world knows, deep down, that cats are horny creatures, and when they’re really horny — well, that’s great stuff.

I understand that you should get your female cat fixed, I get it, but I urge you to let that cat get horny at least once before the snips. You and your cat won’t regret it.

Stay horny, my felines.

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