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April 14, 2010


Steeler Faithful Concerned With Roethlisberger's lack of Prowess, Sperm Count Against No-Name Defense

(CHN) : In perhaps one of the worst performances in his still young sexual career, Pittsburgh QB Ben Roethlisberger has been released from all legal liability based primarily on evidence suggesting that there was no effective offensive attack executed in the bathroom of a small Georgia bar.

Ocmulgee County DA Fred Bright made it clear that "The measurable output from Ben was so pitiful we can't charge him. The reality is that it is nearly impossible to substantiate a claim against Roethlisberger because frankly - he didn't score. "

Steeler fans hoping for a 2010 Super Bowl run are shocked by the news that the 6 year NFL veteran had such a difficult time with a no-name, unproven defense that was haphazardly pieced together in the bathroom of a college pub by a 20 year old College student.

"Typically Ben can stroke it down and out repeatedly until things open up," said teammate Hines Ward. He continued, "I think the game-plan fell apart early once it became clear that Ben was unable to sell the defense on any type of deep threat".

Critics suggest that the 28 year old quarterback mismanaged the clock all night and despite getting into the red zone four different times he couldn't find a ball carrier anywhere in the VIP room.

While the Pittsburgh star is generally a strong second half performer; rape kit evidence suggests that once in the bathroom/red zone, Big Ben came out sluggish and made multiple ill-fated attempts at the tight end which either fell short or were easily slapped away by the non-intoxicated defense.

Longtime friend and hoe bag recruiter Jim Schooner felt that "The slot receiver was there all night but Ben just couldn't focus despite going to a two step drop to increase his rhythm." Schooner believes that "he [Ben] felt rushed with hecklers chanting 'last call' and 'get the fuck out of the bathroom you jerk'.

The Pro Bowl QB's bodyguard, never far from the action admitted that "Nothing was coming out tight; perhaps his grasp was disrupted by a nagging thumb injury. Frankly, he wasn't pumping out anything consistent". Dehydration has been mentioned as a possible factor along with the casual rape of a different co-ed earlier in the night.

Ben's total output, which is typically potent and virile, was also hampered in 2009 by 32 year old Andrea McNultys' prevent defense in an alley behind a Denny's Restaurant . The McNulty case proves that a tight pocket may not be Big Ben's only problem as the Quarterback had ample room to 'Run and Gun' with the Harrah's Casino worker.

In order to deal with the bad press Tiger Woods has suggested a 60 second add using the voice of Ben's father to help win back support for his next pre-season warm-up scheduled for next Monday at a Denver Outback Steakhouse.