Full Credits

Stats & Data

January 27, 2016

One contestant has a meltdown due to a talent show.

We begin this episode with benevolent Lord Harrison announcing to the women that they will be traveling to the exotic location of Las Vegas for this week’s magical journey. The girls scream like they have been in Room their whole lives.

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When they get to Vegas, they see a love sign that “Ben” puts on one of the buildings. Jojo: “When I saw that sign, it was so romantic.” A sign directed at 14 women is the epitome of romance. The level of delusion required for them to enjoy this experience is so amazingly high. They enter their sweet hotel suite and someone pathetically says: “Guys, we can sit here and do our makeup and talk about Ben.” “I feel like a baller. I would never ever stay here if it weren’t for Ben.” I love how season after season the women believe that the actual Bachelor is behind every one of these romantic ideas/purchases. BEN DIDN’T ARRANGE SHIT, LADIES.

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Dear girlfriends #1-14, can’t w8 2 c u all.

We get our first check in with Olivia’s mental state before any date cards are given out. She is still set to marry Ben. He is her “peace."She is my peace amongst the mostly boring contestants.

SERENITY NOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jojo gets the date card. Olivia’s zen with Ben turns into wiggins with Higgins as she starts to unravel.

That’s so great for you Jojo. You go Jojo. Hey, what were you saying you were deathly allergic to btw?

Jojo’s Date

Jojo’s date begins with a disaster. Their helicopter knocks over their parking lot champagne. Jojo struggles to keep her shirt on and not get killed. Thought something like that ER scene was going to happen here.

You have incurred the Bachelor Gods’ wrath by not using enough love puns.

Ben and Jojo hide behind the table bunker and make out in full view of the other ladies in their hotel room. Olivia can’t handle this obstacle to her love story and she once again drapes herself in cloth to avoid the reality of her situation.

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Ghost Olivia strikes again.

Ben tells Jojo he’s had so many moments with her. Jojo opens up, saying that in her past relationship, “I wasn’t the only person involved in their life. I was committing to them and I wasn’t getting that in return.” Ben:“I’m sorry that had to be a part of the past.” Uh, it’s the present too. This is definitely the best way to find love for someone who just had problems with an ex dating multiple other women.

Talent Show Group Date

For the group date, the women watch a creepy show by the ventriloquist Terry Fator. The women don’t know how they’re going to participate but Soccer Mom Lauren H. is worried there will be nipple tassels involved. Hope her kindergartners are watching.

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It’s not creepy for a man to say these things if it appears to come out of a woman puppet’s mouth.

Terry then tells them they have to compete in a talent show in front of an audience.

Wait, I thought our only required talents were drinking and being catty.

The ladies panic that they need to come up with a talent. Caila asks someone what they’re doing and they say, “Fuck if I know.” The twins are “in it to twin it” and thank their dance Mom for forcing them to learn Irish step-dancing. Man as Puppet lady: “There’s only room for one set of twins on this stage and you’re looking at ‘em, honey.” So creepy.

Caila: “Oh my gosh, we’re about to perform in front of 1200 people and I’m internally combusting.” Her phrases are magnificent.

Bam Shi-Bam indeed.

Lauren B.land’s talent is juggling because her first choice of lawn care-taking is not available. Amber’s talent is notably not shown due to her having no talent besides fucking it up every time she’s on the Bachelor. Jubilee has an actual talent and plays the cello because she’s a mother-fucking boss. Olivia jumps out of a cake and Drake-dances around the stage.

If I had cankles, would I be able to do THIS?!?!

After Olivia’s performance, the girls jump right back into shit-talking mode. Amber does a 1000x less sexy impression of her and continues to be the WORST. Amanda, whose talent was HOOLA-HOOPING FOR ONE SECOND: “I’m not sure if jumping out of a cake and kicking your legs is a talent."Even though Olivia’s performance is pretty similar to what the other girls did (especially scantily-clad Caila), Olivia is mortified and has a panic attack.

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My hives! I knew I should have saved that one for Fantasy Suites.

Ben talks to Lauren H. through a puppet made to look like him named “Little Ben”.

Lauren H. makes out with the metaphor for Ben’s dick.

At the after party, Caila grabs Ben and shows him her aggressive side by making out with him immediately. Ben calls her a Tigress.

Ben thinks making out is sex. This explains everything.

Olivia has a bad conversation with Ben so she dances over to him again while snapping her fingers. The twin she interrupts leaves and tells Ben, “Have a good one!” So great. Olivia digs herself in deeper by continuing to apologize for her performance to Ben. Someone steals him and Olivia says, “That royally sucked. That was funkadelic.” Then she bites her finger for a minute straight.

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But my snap dance usually works…

I feel like Lauren B.land is ACTUALLY the master manipulator of this bunch. She seems low key and boring but she keeps slipping in shit like “that could have been my last first date ever,” “our kids would have such great bone structure,” “I could see myself attending the flight of your dick”, etc. She gets the group date rose and Ben crushes Amanda to give it to her which is awesome.

Get the fuck out of the way Amanda.

Becca’s Date

Before the date, Becca receives a boxed wedding dress that she is supposed to put on for their date. I feel like this is only something kidnappers do to their hostages like when Ben made Kate wear that dress in LOST. Ben Higgins then pretends to propose to Becca but really wants her to stand next to him while he officiates some Vegas weddings.

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I can’t marry another virgin tho.

Becca changes into some sort of baby’s baptism gown. I love how much the show is playing up her virginity – it doesn’t feel like women have been set back 100’s of years at all.

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The first people Ben marries are Lena Dunham and a closeted gay man.

After they marry a bunch of weirdos, Becca and Ben go to a neon Vegas signs place and have some hilarious conversations in which Ben puts all these words into Becca’s mouth about why she’s a virgin and why she didn’t give a fuck when Chris Soules wanted to propose to her.

Ben: “I need to know some big things that I’ve had questions about like can she love? Can she feel? Can she commit?” Then to her: “It’s good to feel. I want you to feel. Just, please feel. I need to know that you’re ready to feel."He obviously took her Mom’s comments last season about her being a frigid bitch to heart.

Ben: “You’ve chosen to be a virgin because of your faith I’m guessing, right?” Becca: “Mhmm.” Ben: “At the core of everything, it’s your belief, it’s your faith, it’s your morals, it’s your values, it’s a commitment to God.” Becca: “Mhmm.” I shit you not. She mostly says Mhmm.

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Ben then makes lame vows to her. “Becca, my vow to you from this date forward is to always look you in the eyes as we talk, to smile when it’s appropriate, to laugh when things get awkward, to be honest and open, and try to take you on the coolest dates possible.” Look you in the eyes when we speak – standard polite human behavior, check. Smile when it’s appropriate – weird, oppressive rule, check.

Becca’s response: “I vow to you from this day forward, to always tell you you’re great.” She’s such a catch.

The Twins’ Two-on-One Date

Chris Harrison announces to the twins that they both have a date with Ben today in their hometown of Las Vegas. I think the producers broke one of their thumbs so Ben could differentiate the ladies since they keep insisting on wearing the same fucking outfit.

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Matching outfits so if Ben sends you home you know it’s 100% your worse personality.

Ben brings the twins to their Mom’s house. One of the twins struggles to hide all these framed pictures of her and her “ex”-boyfriend when Ben comes in her bedroom. Unless you broke up the day you left for LA you don’t still have that shit out.

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What? Those are ten framed photos of me and my guy friend. He’s grabbing my boob for funzies!

The twins’ Mom tells Ben that Emily is the more dominant twin and delicate Ben picks her.

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Rejected twin’s only solace is the saddest dachshund in the world.

Cocktail Party

Jennifer grabs Ben first and all the girls cheer for her to do that even though they malign Olivia whenever she does. Olivia goes second and Amber, the Enforcer, declares: “Next time she does that I’m going to grab her leg and go, ‘Stop.’"Caila says re: Olivia: "When the shark’s on the loose it’s going to nibble for the food.” Cailaisms ftw.

Olivia tells Ben she’s falling for him and he doesn’t say anything. In her confessional she says: “He grabbed my hands and he gave me this happy smile. I know he can’t say anything. I heard his message loud and clear tonight.” More secret signals!

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I mean, it was reciprocated. He blinked the morse code for “I reciprocate all of your feelings, Olivia Higgins.” Then he eye-fucked me while SNEEZING. Next level shit.

Rose Ceremony

Ben keeps Sexy-Baby-Voiced Amanda, Soccer-Mom-Lauren H., War Veteran Jubilee, Twin Emily, Caila, Jennifer, Leah, and Olivia. When Jennifer’s name is called before hers, Olivia loudly whispers: “Seriously?” Amber goes home!!!!!! She immediately takes off her heels and curls up in a ball on a chaise outside.

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True walk of shame.

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Chaise dispair.

Scenes from next week: Jubilee feeling #unlovable. Olivia calling Amanda an episode of Teen Mom. Can’t wait.

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