or
0 Funny Votes
0 Die Votes
86 Views
Published February 19, 2012

 Fortunately, I did not need to use an on-line dating service to find Mi Esposa. At the time (twenty years ago) placing a personal ad in the Penny Saver was viewed as high tech (as well as very desperate) Although certainly desperate, I couldn't see my personal request for love placed right next to some lawn service ad. Fortunately, fate intervened and I was connected to my soul mate through the vagaries of chance (damn - I meant fate).

However, I do have a beautiful daughter who has yet to find her one and only and I know she has dabble with the idea of on-line match making services. As a good father, it is my obligation to research this issue.

There are now more 1,500 separate online dating sites and the industry has grown to well over a $2.1 billion per year (and I thought hair restoration was the cash cow). Right now in America, a little more


than 10% of single people use online dating services. For some reason, in Canada, it's a whopping 25%. I'm guessing it's more there because much of that God forsaken country is frozen and barren (I  was thinking aboot going to the bar ya know to meet some girls - but it's aboot 30 degrees out - too cold eh?). 

First off - I did discover that online dating sits have grown most rapidly in two specific areas - religions and hookers (Christ - America must be skitzo).



 

There is a site called JDate. Their stated marketing niche -The premier Jewish community online for dating Jewish singles. 

Okay, fair enough - I imagine that it can be tough in many places for Jews to find fellow single Jews. JDate is also relatively open minded as they do allow gentiles to join (although I'm not sure about gay gentiles). Besides, it wouldn't kill me if my daughter ended up with a Doctor or Lawyer and God knows that with the poor success of this blog it would kill me if she ended up with someone in the entertainment business. However, I think they could have selected a better name than JDate.  I just think it won't be long until it lends itself to common slang..

Girl 1: So, how was your dinner with Irving Goldstein?
Girl 2. Oh, you mean my J-Date?

In other words, every time a gal goes on a date with a Jewish fella - you just know they are going to call it a Jdate. I think they could have done much better - something like MatchMaker(that's a Jewish thing - right?). Or maybe Choose-a-Chosen-mate.com. Oh well, I guess if it doesn't bother them I shouldn't let it bother me.

 

Now Christians have a ton of sites to pick between including Christian Mingles (they're the - Find Gods Match for You -folks), Christian Cafe, Catholic Mingle and many others. I don't know if they allow Jews but I'm pretty sure they don't allow gays. Although I do hear that they allow Cross dressers.

Again - not my business - but I think at least one of the sites would have used The Passion(it's just a natural). Or maybe something a little more current - (Teebow Time?). On the other hand I am quite glad that none of them chose CDate. Regardless, nice to see so many sites available for those of faith.


The one that surprised me most wasMuslima.com - and international dating site for Muslims.

I just didn't see that one coming.

I have not done any research out of fear of ending up on some Homeland Security watch list (yeah - they watch your key strokes) - but I think is is pretty safe to say that there are not too many cross subscribers with JDate.

Anyway - point being, if you are looking for a mate who shares your religious values. There's one for every religious view out there and business is booming. What if you are an atheist you ask? No problem. There are also more than a dozen of these. My favorite site name amongst these was one called Carbon-Date- Me.com (clever). However, I have created my own and have copyrighted just in case I want to get in the business.

It'll be called Meet Your Soulless Mate.com. 


I haven't come up with the site icon yet - but my site will be tolerant of course and I will allow all religions and orientations to join. 

Now on to the other fastest growing segment - Adult Dating services.

There are more of these than you can imagine, the most prominent of which is called Adult Friend Finder(sounds so harmless). The rest also have subtle names (xxxxmatch, nostringsattched, BeNaughty, Hornymatches, etc.). Turns our that these are not really legitimate dating sites and are more of the - so, you want to meet a hooker - type sites

 

What's that Mi Esposa? - No - I'm
just doing research for the Blog

You just need to trust me on this as these were the sites that I did the most extensive research on (you know - so you wouldn't have too).

I created a fake profile that pretty much contained accurate descriptions of my self (old, fat, bald, smoker, etc) and guess what? There were instantly three dozen gals who matched my profile - none older than 24 and all - well - endowed.

So - unlike legitimate dating sites, I am pretty sure that the predominant match criteria for the adult sites is zip code (well, I;m assuming since all the gals said that they were close by).

There are also gay, Indian, Latino, Asian, Black, White, Interracial, Groups, Seniors, Seniors Who want Groups - et al - dating sites. Bottom line - if you can Google it - you'll find a dating site for it. 

Now on to the big ones. They are:

  • Zoosk.com (a site connected to most of the social networks)
  • Chemistry.com (I presume for Scientists)
  • Match.com (original)
  • Perfectmatch.com (oh - in your face Match.com - we got the perfect matches)
  • eHarmony.com (for singers and swingers I suppose)
  • Spark.com (oh - in your face match and perfectmatch - we've gone all the way to spark)

They are all pretty much the same. Pay a hefty subscription fee, enter your profile information and then wait for the matches to come to you. The problem with these is that none of the profile information is really verifiable. For example, one who writes this:

I am a middle age but young at heart man that enjoys quiet walks on the beach and sipping wine as I gaze at the sunset. My hairline reflects my maturity and my waistline reflects my love of fine dining. I enjoy PX90 as wells as quite nights at home. I yearn for quiet conversation with a soul mate. I am looking for a well rounded woman with similar interests. 

Could really mean this:

I am old, bald and fat and when I get drunk I walk around aimlessly. At night I watch PX90 commercials and then fall asleep on the couch. I don't want a woman who yaks all the time. I like large breasts.


Added to the potential for false profiles as the risk of neer-do-wells trolling the sites to prey on unsuspecting girls. I mean, how can one really trust someone they meet in cyber world? Typically, there are no background checks done on the folks who subscribe to these sites and all in all - seems to be that it is risky business. In other words, not for my daughter.

I have thought of a potential solution. We need site where parents do the screening. Something like FatherKnowsBest.com. I'm not sexist - there could be one for mothers as well. It would work something like this:
 

 
No Soup For you!

A daughter posts her profile information on the FatherKnowsBest.com site. The email address to contact is the parents. Each parent could then develop then own personal profile questionairre to determine the suitability of any prospective suitor to date their child. For example, here is the information I would require of anyone before they could date my princess (note: to all applicants - you may find the use of all capital lettters annoying - sorry - it's because I'm shouting at you).:  

(1) PLEASE SUBMIT A COPY OF YOUR LAST THREE FEDERAL TAX RETURNS.

(2) SIGN THE RELEASE DOCUMENT INCLUDED IN THIS PACKAGE TO AUTHORIZE ME TO PERFORM A CREDIT AND CRIMINAL BACKGROUND CHECK.
 

(3) USE THE CHART  ON THE RIGHT TO INDICATE ALL PLACES WHERE YOU HAVE A TATOO AND WRITE A BRIEF PARAGRAH ON WHAT THE FUCK YOU WERE THINKING WHEN YOU DECIDED TO GET IT (NOTE: NO EXPLANATION REQUIRED FOR ANY MILITARY RELATED TATOOS - AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE)..

(4) IF YOU HAVE ANY PIERCINGS, PLEASE DO NOT USE THE CHART. SIMPLY END THE APPLICATION PROCESS NOW. NO DATE FOR YOU!!
 

 

(5) HOW MANY DRESS TIES DO YOU OWN (NOTE, MINIMUM REQUIREMENT IS SEVEN).

(6) PLEASE PROVIDE A BRIEF NARRATIVE ON WHAT YOU WOULD LIKE TO BE.
 

(7) IF YOU DID NOT ANSWER - I'M ALREADY WHAT I WANT TO BE"TO QUESTION NUMBER SIX, PLEASE END THE APPLICATION PROCESS NOW. MY DAUGHTHER IS 30. WE DON'T HAVE TIME TO WASTE LIKE YOU HAVE. NO DATE FOR YOU!!!!!
 

(8) PLEASE VIEW THE CHART ON THE LEFTT AND CIRCLE THE SCALP PATTERN THAT MOST CLOSELY REFLECTS YOUR CURRENT STATE OF HAIR (NOTE - I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BALD MEN, I'M JUST TRYING TO END A GENETIC NIGHTMARE).

(9) PLEASE DESCRIBE WHAT HAS KEPT YOU FROM FINDING A SUITABLE MATE SO FAR. BEST ANSWERS WILL FOCUS ON YOUR TIME SPENT PURSUING EDUCATIONAL AND/OR CAREER PURSUITS OR CARING FOR YOUR SICK PARENTS.

(10) USING THE CHART ON THE RIGHT, PLEASE INDICATE WHERE YOU NORMALLY
PULL YOUR PANTS UP TO.

(11) WHAT PERCENTAGE DO YOU TIP AT?

(12) HOW MANY HOURS A WEEK TO YOU SPEND ON YOUR HOBBY? (NOTE: IF YOU INDICATE MORE THAN 12 HOURS PLEASE PROVIDE A NARRATIVE OF HOW THE FUCK DO YOU MAKE A LIVING WHEN YOU ARE PLAYING AROUND SO MUCH?
 

(13) WOULD YOU STILL BE INTERSTED IN DATING MY DAUGHTER IF YOU KNEW THAT, SHOULD YOU BREAK HER HEART,  I WILL IN FACT TRACK YOU DOWN AND KILL YOU?


(14). PLEASE INDICATE IF YOU HAVE EVER BROKEN UP WITH A GIRLFRIEND VIA A TEXT

IF YOU  ANSWER YES - PLEASE COMPLETE QUESTION # 15.


(15) IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO QUESTION # 14,  ARE YOU A DEAF-MUTE? IF YOU ARE NOT:   NO DATE FOR YOU! 

This would complete the written part of the test. It would of course be followed by an oral interview (and yes - with a polygraph) at which time the prospective candidates could provide documentation to support their answers to the profile questionaiire. For candidates that pass both the written and oral parts of the profile exam, I would then take several  photographs from different points of view for presentation to my daughter. We would then settle on the top three candidates and schedule a meeting. The meeting would be held at my house and the top rated candidate would be selected for a date with my daughter.

See - it's a fairly simple process. It would work - yes? It's certainly a better process then all of those non-verifiable on-line dating services I discovered in my research.

Alright - it's probably a bad idea. I guess that I'm just going to have to hope that fate intervenes and provides my little jewel with the mate of her dreams. What the heck - it worked for me.

 

 

Advertisement
Advertisement

From Around the Web