This week’s best tweets are probably not coming to your party.
If you want to keep a secret from me, put it in a Facebook event invite.— Dave Holmes (@DaveHolmes) May 20, 2016
On a scale of Chocolate Rain to Hamster Dance, how irrelevant and out of touch are my pop culture references?— Geeky Steven (@geekysteven) May 11, 2016
Can't believe there are so many songs about love and only one where someone welcomes someone else to a jungle.— Kashana (@kashanacauley) May 11, 2016
WHAT DO WE WANT— ben™ (@benicus_rex) March 27, 2016
to stop shrinking
ᵂᴴᴱᴺ ᴰᴼ ᵂᴱ ᵂᴬᴺᵀ ᴵᵀ
ᵃˢ ˢᵒᵒⁿ ᵃˢ ᵖᵒˢˢⁱᵇˡᵉ ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ
Hate when people abuse Twitter in some desperate attempt to get attention from celebrities. You must hate that huh @DevonESawa— Zach Broussard (@ZachBroussard) May 20, 2016
If he's a fan, fine, love the shirt, but if HE'S CLAIMING TO BE HIM IT'S A GODDAMN LIE. pic.twitter.com/fFeGcn6Uvf— Ted Travelstead (@trumpetcake) May 14, 2016
Judge: Your word is abstract.
Her: Can you use it in a sentence?
Judge: a b sp>— Wilde Thingy (@WildeThingy) May 14, 2016
Doc wasn't very good if there was still a dwarf whose thing was sneezing.— Rachel Gordon (@gordonrachel) May 14, 2016
I asked my 3yo daughter to guess the names of some more 80s and 90s wrestlers pic.twitter.com/vR4B4OuVby— Sean Leahy (@thepunningman) May 19, 2016
Why is it called "a female performing a guitar solo" and not a "sheriff?"— Michael (@Home_Halfway) May 20, 2016
why does this look like the poster to an ABC show about a family hiding the murder of their maid pic.twitter.com/Uqv5XvEDVM— Elijah Daniel (@aguywithnolife) May 5, 2016
Cookie Monster is probably a sex god if you think about it— cry (@cyr) May 5, 2016
Worst at Dogs: Hemsworth. pic.twitter.com/54E6trJB6T— Margaret H. Willison (@MrsFridayNext) May 20, 2016
Huge congrats to Sting, who just finished an orgasm he started in 2009.— todd levin (@toddlevin) May 20, 2016
"Congrats" is my favorite because it says "I'm happy for you, but not happy enough to write a 15 letter word. Let's not get crazy"— Jess (@jessokfine) May 12, 2016
hey, whoa, according to the dictionary "congress" ALSO means fucking? is anyone else seeing this???— Big Sexy Jeb! Lund (@Mobute) May 17, 2016
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.— Sasshole (@RidiculousSheri) August 19, 2013
After a Unicorn has it's horn removed, it is referred to as a Eunuchorn— Obi Jawn (@ThaJawn) May 18, 2016
[job interview]— Reverend Scott (@Reverend_Scott) May 20, 2016
"Says here that you're a pessimist?"
So because of that you won't hire me?
"I didn't say-"
I KNEW this would happen.
Due to unforeseen circumstances I am giving up my career as a psychic— Sanjeev Kohli (@govindajeggy) May 20, 2016
I don't struggle with depression, I'm very good at it— ♡ Good Account ♡ (@SortaBad) May 20, 2016
I have this fantasy where im laying in bed and the girl comes in and gets down on her knees and checks right under my bed for monsters— strongest account (@Karate_Horse) May 20, 2016
There are many great things about having sex but if I had to pick a favorite it's that you get to do it lying down— Siobhan Thompson (@vornietom) May 19, 2016
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend— Bob Vulfov (@bobvulfov) February 10, 2016
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say "generic excuse"
"A heart is not judged by how much you love, but how much you are loved by others." -The Wizard of Oz, giving the worst advice ever.— Timmy Wood (@TimmyWood) December 10, 2011