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October 21, 2015

I am writing to apply for a CEO position at Walmart.

Dear Walmart Thing

I am writing to apply for a CEO position at Walmart.

I have no formal education unless you count the twelve years I spent at Harvard University. I was not so much a student there as I was a stalker, but I made quite an impression on the campus. Posters with my name and picture on them were visibly placed throughout the premises to flatter me. They would say things like ‘wanted’, ‘avoid at all costs’ (probably to avoid feelings of inadequacy), and ‘is possibly armed’. I assume they say ‘possibly’ as I am so muscular that they assume my perfect arms are a result of steroid abuse. Or possibly it is that they can not see my hands due to my constantly holding a machine gun.

I have no previous employment history as I am often overqualified for the jobs I choose to apply for. I hope my unflattering clothing and weight rivaling that of an elephant does not leave the impression that I am overqualified to work at Walmart as well.

My skills and honors are innumerable; mostly because I do not have any, but also because I can not count. My activities consist of sitting on the couch and eating food I buy from Target. While this may not seem impressive at first, the sheer quantity of food eaten continues to impress and bemuse my acquaintances.

At a glance, it may seem as though I am the perfect candidate for the position. However, I am much, much more. Your consideration is appreciated. Thank-you.

Sincerely: Mr. CEO