Look, I wanna see Hamilton as much as the next guy. But, unfortunately for me, the next guy has $850 to spend on a ticket, and I only have $16. So, here’s what I’m proposing to you, the American people: let’s work TOGETHER, and let’s take advantage of the wonders of crowd-sourcing to get those 834 dollars to steadily and safely enter into my bank account between now and Hanukkah 2021. Look, if the Jews can make the oil in the lamp last 8 days, I can scrounge up 834 dollars.
Here are some jobs that I am offering myself to perform for you so I can make money, and make money fast:
1) For a healthy 30 dollars, I will personally organize and re-organize any and all DVD’s you might own in reverse alphabetical order.
2) For a measly 45 dollars, I will take your requests for Drake songs you would like me to sing a cappella for you and your loved ones in your living room.
3) For a gentlemanly 50 dollars, I will recount in excruciating detail every fan theory out there about the ending of Lost and J.J. Abrams’s upbringing.
4) For a pleasant 140 dollars, I’ll walk your dog – but only if it’s a chihuahua between the ages of 2 and 6 in dog years and has had its vocal box removed.
5) For a stingy 200 dollars, I’ll do a one-man improv show for you in your kitchen but only if the audience suggestion is kitchen!
6) For an exciting 95 dollars, I’ll teach your child the intricacies of handball, a sport with fast rising popularity in several states across the Pacific Northwest.
7) For a spicy 100 dollars, I’ll personally hack into the e-mail account of Pete Rose and finally get to the bottom of it. Don’t worry. It’s fine.
8) For a scholarly 100 dollars, (LIKE A JEWISH SANTA CLAUS!) I will come to your house on the 3rd and 7th night of Hanukkah and say the blessings over the menorah with you and your family, and unwrap presents with your child. I will definitely not steal the presents.
9) For a grand 35 dollars, I’ll knit the person you love the most in the world a quilt that says “Follow Me On Spotify.” It’s foolproof.
10) For a patronizing 39 dollars, I’ll go into your internet history and search “Po” and highlight anything that comes up. I will erase it.
This may seem like a lot, but if my calculations are correct, these fair, honest, researched, and balanced prices provide me with the necessary funds that are required to see Hamilton: An American Musical. Please contact me if you are interested in having me perform these tasks. Namaste.