Important fan fiction news!

An evangelical Christian mom (or, maybe, an “evangelical Christian mom,” since who KNOWS what’s real online) has been publishing her own wizard-free Harry Potter fan fiction under the username proudhousewife. Cool! Titled Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, the eight chapters attempt to keep anything that Grace Ann (possibly a real person, but, again, who knows) deems acceptable for her children while removing all parts of the story that mention witchcraft. Per the author’s introduction: “Do you want your little ones to read books; and they want to read the Harry Potter Books; but you do not want them to turn into witches?” If that’s the case you’re in luck!

Grace Ann’s fan fiction (Is this person serious or not, what do you think?) incorporates the values of Christianity while ridding itself of most details from the source material’s plot: Now Dumbledore is a reverend, Ron is an idol-worshipping Slytherin, Hermione is Dumbledore’s daughter who knows that it’s not right for women to have careers like they do in Sex and the City, etc.

What follows are some actual excerpts from Hogwarts School of Prayer and Miracles, which has a lot of gems in it, like in Chapter 1 when Hagrid, a Saved Christian, proves to Harry’s atheist Aunt Petunia that God does exist.

“Christians are people who want to be good,” Hagrid explained wisely; and crouched down so he was on eye level with Harry. “We want to go to heaven after we die. Do you know what heaven is, Harry?”

Harry shook his head; and his big eyes were wide and curious.

“Heaven is a beautiful place where we can be with God.”

Aunt Petunia smacked her hands over Harry’s young ears; and her voice was sickly sweet when she said, “Thank you very much for your concern, sir, but he does not need your religion, he has science and socialism and birthdays. Haven’t you heard of Evolution? I have a very good textbook on Evolution that I could give you on it if you would like to learn things.”

Hagrid laughed wisely. “Evolution is a fairytale. You don’t really believe that, do you?”

“Yes, I do!” Aunt Petunia screeched.

“Well then prove it!”

Aunt Petunia could only stare at him; and her big mouth hung open dumbly. Here she thought she was so educated; and always demanded that Christians prove what they believed in; but she couldn’t even prove her own religion. It was then that Harry knew who the smart one here was!

Later that same chapter, Harry and Hagrid travel to Hogwarts via magic prayers.

“How will we get to this school, Hagrid?” Harry queried curiously.

“We will pray,” Hagrid retorted knowledgeably.

“How do we do that?” Harry solicited inquisitively.

“Watch,” Hagrid said; and then got down on his knees on the road. He motioned for Harry to get down on his knees too. Hagrid raised his hands to the heavens; and cried out in a deep, thunderous voice, “Dear Lord, take us to Hogwarts!”

Harry felt himself being whisked away; and in a moment, he was sitting in the cool, damp grass outside a humongous, beautiful castle. He looked in awe at the tall towers and the gray stones. What a beautiful place!

Chapter 3 introduces Hermione, who for the purposes of this story (trolling us or not?) seems a lot more focused on her looks than her smarts.

“Pleased to meet you,” Hermione responded sweetly, with an shy grin.

Harry could barely respond. This was the most beautiful young woman he had ever come across. So different from all the girls in public school; who were focused on trying to be like the career women they saw on The Sex and the City. This little one was the picture of innocence and godliness.

In Chapter 4, Hermione shows Harry the dorms but is careful not to enter them because that is a scandal because she is a woman. Harry is very grateful for her cautiousness.

Harry was so nervous; he could not think of anything to say. His brain fumbled for the perfect, Christian thing to say; but, before he could even manage a word, Hermione came to a stop in front of a tall, stone tower.

“This is the boys’ dormitory,” the devout young woman explained kindly; and she gestured to the heavy, oak door beside them. “I would show you inside; but I would hate to cause a scandal.”

“I understand,” Harry declared graciously. Too many young men these days pressure young women into things undesired and forbidden. It is the mark of a true, old-fashioned gentleman to respect the fact that every young woman is another man’s future wife. And we all know that it would be a dreadful, terrible sin to bring another man’s wife into intimacy. Why does modern culture suddenly treat that as okay simply because he does not have her yet? Man’s laws may permit it; but the laws of the Lord are not bound by time.

The sixth chapter is almost entirely about bacon and which hat each child deserves to wear.

“You should not become a Slytherin Hat,” the girl continued confidently; and she was eating what looked like it was supposed to be bacon; but it did not smell or taste like bacon. It missed that smokey, meaty taste that bacon is supposed to have. Instead, it tasted like vegetables blended together and died red. Yuck! Harry would take real bacon over that any day of the week. “They are far too strict.”

Harry hmmed skeptically. He was not sure about this whole Slytherin business; but the word “strict” was not what came to mind!

“You should become a Hufflepuff Hat,” the girl instructed arrogantly; and continued to nibble at her breakfast. “That’s what I’m going to do.”

“What do Hufflepuff Hats believe in?” Harry pondered aloud; and he took a bite of his real bacon. Oh, how he wanted to find the true Hat!

Chapter 7 reveals the previously-mentioned hats are embroidered baseball hats.

The Great Hall burst into applause as a red and yellow baseball cap with a lion embroidered on the front appeared on Harry’s head. He hopped deftly off the table and landed on his little feet. He could feel the love of the Lord surging through him; and he knew he had made the right decision.

Read more (8 chapters total) at fanfic.net, or don’t! H/T Deathandtaxes