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Published May 02, 2013

 

News story: A St. Petersburg man who called 911 about 80 times Sunday saying he wanted Kool-Aid, burgers and weed delivered to him instead got a trip to jail, police said.

 

Transcript of the 9-1-1 dispatcher's responses to St. Petersburg man's calls:

 

Call #1: You want what? ... Sir, this line is for emergencies only! Do you have an emergency? ... Sir, wanting Kool-Aid, burgers and weed is not an emergency. Is anyone hurt? ... No, wanting Kool-Aid, burgers and weed does not count as "hurt." Is there a fire or any other dangerous situation? ... No, really needing Kool-Aid, burgers and weed does not count as a "dangerous situation." Now, I'm going to hang up on you, because you are not calling with an emergency.

 

Call #2: Did you just call 911 a minute ago? Sir, unless you have an emergency, you need to hang up. This line is for emergencies only.

 

Call #3: You have got to be kidding me. Sir, I told you before, this line is for emergencies only. That is not an emergency. Hang up and do not call 911 again unless you have an emergency.

 

Call #4: Sir, are you aware that misusing the 911 system is a crime? You could get in serious trouble for this. ... Yes, even more serious trouble than needing Kool-Aid, burgers, and weed. 

 

Calls #5-16: [Laughs. Hangs up.]

 

Calls # 17-38: No. [hangs up.]

 

Call #39: Sure. We're on our way. Just stay right there and don't call again, because if you call again, we'll cancel your order.

 

Calls #40-56: [offers other phone numbers for the caller to try, including: Domino's, Papa John's, Pizza Hut, Matthew McConnaughey, Narcotics Anonymous, Willie Nelson, 411, Lindsay Lohan"711", "611", the St. Petersburg Medical Marijuana Clinic, Anthony Bourdain, Rachael Ray, and Kraft Foods (the makers of Kool-Aid).]

 

Calls #57-65: Hold, please. [puts caller on hold.]

 

Call #66: Why don't you tell me all about how much you love Kool-Aid, burgers and weed? [puts caller on hold.]

 

Call #67: Please stop. Please. Please? Pretty please? Please please please please please please please stop calling. Please. Stop. Calling.

 

Call #68: [Puts on high woman's voice] Young man, this is your mother. You stop this right now or you're in deep trouble. Go sit in your room and stop calling 911.

 

Call #69: You know what's on TV right now? Adventure Time! Why don't you go turn on your TV to Cartoon Network?

 

Call #70: Aaaaagh! The 911 office is being attacked by... aliens! Yes, aliens, and they're destroying everything! There's no point calling us again, because we won't be here! Aaaaaaaaaaah! 

 

Call #71: Sir, you don't really want Kool-Aid, burgers, and weed; you want... what have you got in your kitchen? ... You really, really want, um, frozen hot dog buns with mayonnaise, and a nice, tall glass of water. Yummm! Water!

 

Call #72: Yes sir, absolutely, we can do that, but you have to submit that request in writing. Just write us a note asking for Kool-Aid, burgers and weed, stick it in the mail - just write "911" on the envelope - and we'll take care of that right away. 

 

Call #73: You know, if you say "Kool-Aid, burgers and weed" over and over again, it starts to sound like just meaningless noises, and it really blows your mind. It's, like, better than drugs. Why don't you try it? Yes, like that, now keep it up and don't interrupt it by calling anyone, whatever you do! A few hours should do it. 

 

Call #74: You know who delivers Kool-Aid, burgers and weed? The DMV. Little known fact. You have to keep calling them, though, because they want you to prove you're serious. Here's their number.

 

Calls #75-78: Sir, if you keep calling 911 without an emergency, we will have to take drastic action against you. Now, I'm warning you, do not call again. I'm serious.

 

Call #79: Sir, if you call one more time, we are going to have to arrest you. Do you understand? We will arrest you and take you to jail for misusing the 911 system. Do you want to go to jail? ... No, they do not give you Kool-Aid, burgers and weed in jail. So you'll stop calling, right?

 

Call #80: Sir, we're going to have to place you under arrest. Please tell me your name and location. ... Come on, tell me who and where you are so we can take care of this. ... [Sighs.] I mean, sir, we're going to deliver your Kool-Aid, burgers and weed, but we just need your name and location so we can bring you your order. ... Okay, we'll be right there. No, no, it's my pleasure.

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