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November 13, 2012

Jon Parks avoids an awkward sex talk with his 12-year-old son.

At Ray’s Bar & Grill Thursday night, Jim Parks raised his shot of Wild Turkey and announced his candidacy for the father of the year as he explained to his three buddies how he stealthily sidestepped a potential awkward conversation between himself and his 12-year-old son, Michael.

Over the past few months, Jon was unsure how he would tackle the topic of sex with his son, who had been asking questions about girls.  That’s when Jon said it came to him, “Let the experts answer any questions that Michael may have.”  Jon implemented what he coined as the “Best Father on the Planet, Plan,” which consisted of leaving a Hustler magazine where his son would find it.

“It was genius,” said Jon.  “I left the tits and ass mag right there beside his bicycle, in the shed.  And sure as shit, my little man took it!  If that doesn’t make you a proud, nothing will.”

Jon’s friends toasted him, and all agreed that was the coolest thing they’ve ever heard, but questioned why he chose Hustler, instead of something a little more traditional, like Playboy.

“Penetration dude!” exclaimed Jon.  “Michael is not going to see a guy drop a pearl necklace on a woman, or understand what being snowballed is all about by studying Playboy.  I want Michael to have better information than what I had as a child.  Sure, Playboy is classier, but Hustler is a more of a ‘how-to’ manual for Michael.”

Jon stated that he was always thinking of ways to ensure Michael is better prepared for the road ahead and uses what he calls, a “keep it simple stupid” approach – the primary method  that has contributed to his extraordinary parental skills.

Jon said that he’s aware that Hustler can’t answer all the questions that a 12-year-old boy may have, but added that he was prepared for that.  In a couple of weeks he is going to “accidentally” leave Jenna Jameson’s Cherry Potter porno in Michael’s Harry Potter DVD case, guaranteeing that his son has the answers to any other questions that he may have.  

How do you say, father of the year?  Jon Parks, that’s how.