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Published March 18, 2013

An enthused President Obama addressed the nation last night to announce that a U.S. drone strike has killed Rep. John Boehner. The President insisted the 61st speaker of the House of Representatives completely deserved it. He “hijacked congress,” the President said, plus he “was harder to get in a meeting than Osama Bin Laden.” The speech concluded with Obama hinting that Eric Cantor might be next.

The news comes after a week in which Senator Rand Paul made headlines with his 13 hour filibuster over the issue of potential drone strikes on Americans. The ensuing debate in congress seems to have struck a chord with the commander in chief, for he reportedly told advisors, “we need to kill Boehner before Rand Paul makes it illegal.”

This morning the White House Chief of Staff fielded questions from angry Tea Party members who seized control of the press event because they feared Sarah Palin might be next. Denis McDonough insisted President Obama has watched Sarah Palin’s Alaska and determined not to eliminate her since he feel she’s already “a perfectly useless target.” He also assured them Obama did not coax his nephew to fly those planes into the twin towers.

On Capitol Hill, meanwhile, Republicans were busy trying to jam a bill through congress that would get U.S. drones to assassinate President Obama. While Fox commentator Bill O’Reilly called this a “savvy move,” MSNBC political analyst Chuck Todd felt it fairly likely President Obama would veto the measure. “He wants to appear fair and balanced,” Chuck Todd said during an appearance on Andrea Mitchell Reports. “At the same time he’s unlikely to approve a measure that will order drones to blow his own head across the White House lawn.”

As expected, Bill O’Reilly disagreed. He appeared on Happening Now, where he shouted “it’s a conspiracy!”  He further added that “Obama’s a Muslim. Of course he’s willing to die to screw America. Folks, what we have here is the first ever case of a suicide-bombing President.” When asked to explain this rant O’Reilly calmed enough to suggest Obama’s secret plan has always been to get killed by drones, become a martyr, and keep Republicans from ever winning another Presidential election.

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