Freddy Krueger is stupid. There, I said it. He is really stupid.
If he spent half as much time on killing people as he does at thinking up "imaginative" ways to knock them off, he could have wiped out the whole world by now. In the first film, he was no nonsense. He chopped you up and that was that.
Last night I watched A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 : The Dream Master.
Why? Is probably what you are asking.
Well, I am a moron at heart, and was a big horror film fan when was I was a child. While other kids were watching An American Tale 2 : Fivel Goes West, I was watching Friday the 13th Part 8 : Jason Takes Manhattan. My mother was worried that I was a bit strange, certainly my friends mum wasn't happy when he and I returned from the video shop with Friday the 13th Part 6 : Jason Lives, we had gone for something to watch with his older sister.
I would love to write that I was a really cool kid who was into horror films and had a bedroom like Mark Petrie from Salem's Lot and dressed like Rudy from The Monster Squad. But, I didn't.
I was never scared by these films (Well, apart from Evil Dead 1 & 2) and always saw them for what there are. Rubbish. But fun rubbish. I saw each kill as a skilful manoeuvre on behalf of the filmmakers and writers. I admired how well and creatively some kills were executed. Much like you admire the way a footballer scores a goal.
There was certainly never a time in which I felt influenced by any horror film I had seen. I just really dug horror films. I loved monsters, gore and guts on screen.
Obviously. I grew out of it, but it is such fun to dip a toe in the bloody water occasionally. Almost like laughing at your 10 year old self for enjoying such claptrap.
The only side effect from the formative interest in slasher and horror films is that every time our doorbell rings, a noise is made outside or a curtain is open, I think I am to be murdered by a psycho. A small price to pay for years of enjoyment. I think, but my wife would disagree I am sure.
Anyway, so, lets get to A Nightmare on Elm Street 4 : The Dream Master.
As I am sure you are all aware. The guys from part 3 destroyed Freddy's spirit by using a crucifix and holy water on his bones. Yes. That is possible, before you ask. It happens all the time. That is how they got Fred West. I think. Freddy comes back to life via a dog weeing fire onto his grave. Again, perfectly normal. Right?
Freddy comes back to life, and immediately begins knocking people off. Same old same old right?
The problem is, rather than slicing people up and being really menacing, this is the film in which he begins acting like a total bell end. It is the first step on the rocky road (parts 5 and 6) towards becoming 100%ridiculous. Rather than 50% that he is in part 3. In part 4, there are numerous "novelty" kills, such as turning someone into a cockroach and crushing them in a roach motel and luring one of the kids to a beach for a Jaws pastiche. It is from this point onwards, that the ridiculous Freddy appears.
You could argue that this began in Part 3, but there was actual menace attached, Freddy had yet to become the glorified Happy meal character that he became in later years. To put it into perspective, for part 4, there was a single released in which Freddy appeared with the novelty rap group, The Fat Boys entitled "Are You Ready For Freddy ". The video showed one of the Fat Boys inheriting the Elm Street house and staying the night in order to complete the inheritance. It even included Freddy rapping.
This all culminated with "Freddy's Dead : The Final Nightmare" which was embarrassing and featured cameos from Rosanne Barr, Tom Arnold and Alice Cooper. The only reason it was seen in the cinema at all is because it had a 3D scene at the end. Which was also shite.
Basically, if you have never seen a Nightmare on Elm Street film and would be interested, I would only recommend 1 and 3. The rest are pretty,pretty terrible.
Our glorious website (www.hobo-bonobo.co.uk) was linked to today via an article in the Guardian. It is only a matter of time before we are on the One show. Imagine tharubbing shoulders with giant baby from the toilet paper adverts, Adrian Chiles and the generic woman one.
Wow. Does this make our site now officially intellectual?
We shall see. Though, I would suggest not.