After a week off we are Bach! I mean back!
Previously on “The Bachelorette” Rachel eliminated a basketball team’s worth of men like she was the Golden State Warriors.
We are STILL in Europe because
tax breaks it’s so romantic! After so much conflict we need to stay neutral so we are going to Switzerland!
1) Rose Before Bros
Rachel is looking for someone to rise above the rest this week. The men wait for Rachel and discuss who’s going to get the “wunnawun” date.
Big twist: no rose ceremony this week! They make it sound like it’s her decision but really Chris Harrison can’t be in Switzerland as he’s wanted for murder there.
Up first for the wunnawuns? Bryan. Even the men aren’t surprised. Rachel asks them to trust her and Dean blurts “we trust you Rachel” before she’s even done talking. He sounds so thirsty *I* need a glass of water.
2) Watch This
Bryan and Rachel hop in a Bentley and tour the luxurious city of Swizerland. Bryan lays it on as thick as Swiss chocolate.
The first stop on their
product placement tour date is a Bretling store. The couple is impressed that ALL of the watches tell the same time. Rachel buys them a pair of watches and Bryan is so happy with his “forever gift” he tries to bang her in the watch store. The guy who was showing them timepieces slinks away. I guess he doesn’t like to…WATCH thankyouI'llbehereallnight.
Back at the hotel, Adam and Matt discuss their anger over not getting wunnawun time over a tiny fungus.
Peter and Dean discuss on the couch and Dean goes in on Bryan, describing him as a 37 year old chiropracting womanizer - cracking backs and then blowing them out. He’s really insightful for a 15 year old!
Meanwhile Bryan and Rachel find more places in Switzerland to make out, like a cool hill.
3) I Wunnawunt To See You
A card slides under the door and Dean gets that next wunnawun date. He has to put on his Sunday best. Dean slips in that he’s worried about making it all the way to hometown dates because he doesn’t get along with his family. DUN DUN DUUUUN!!!
4) Mom’s The Word
Bryan and Rachel have their private dinner in a giant space and Rachel asks about Bryan’s background. Wait, she has been all over this guy since he was halfway out the limo and she doesn’t know anything about him? Now That’s What I Call The Bachelorette!
Bryan talks about his previous relationship and REEEEEEALLY tap dances around why his last relationship failed. He says it’s because of his mom? Was his mom racist? Did his mom fist fight his ex? Does his mom have a crush on him? Hard to tell what he means since he’s being so vague.
Rachel, not knowing what a “red flag” is, gives him the rose anyhow. They make out as a string quartet rehearses in the rafters. They had this space reserved dammit; it was on the calendar and everything!
5) Teenage Dean
Rachel waits for Dean in an empty street for their wunnawun. Does anyone live in Geneva?
Dean shows up in his “Sunday best” which he interprets as “intern at a bank.” The reason? They are going to church. Faith is a big thing for Rachel and it shows as they cuddle in the back and talk over the sermon. Now THAT’s What I Call The Bachelorette, Vol. 2!
Dean keeps teasing that his family is a dumpster fire and that he’s the black sheep. Is he secretly a Trump?
Meanwhile Eric and Peter talk shit on Dean around an entirely different table on what looks like the same balcony where Adam and Matt talked earlier. The table budget on this show must be through the roof.
Rachel tries to get Dean to talk about his family and he deflects like an NHL goalie. Now I’m worried his family lives in a prison full of zombies like that one season of “The Walking Dead.”
6) Ready Willing and Table
Matt and Bryan talk more shit on Dean as another card appears on a TABLE. Wonder what those authentic Bachelorette-used tables fetch on eBay.
The next wunnawun? Peter. Eric calls out what everyone’s thinking - the top three get that solo time and now he’s pitted in a triple threat match for the Rachel Lindsay Championship.
7) Can I Talk To You For A Minion?
Dean and Rachel have their private dinner in a giant space and she calls out his weird behavior around discussing his family. Last guess? He comes from a family of Minions.
The Secret Origin of Dean is: his dad isn’t very open emotionally and is now quite eccentric. Dean, you described 95% of dads.
Rachel gives Dean the rose, I’m guessing out of curiosity more than anything. If I had a couple more sure things waiting for me at a hotel I’d want to find out why this guy is so damn weird about his family.
If they’re Minions you all owe me money.
8) She’ll Be Coming ‘Round The Mountain
Rachel and Peter meet in a field that grows helicopters. They hop in a ripe ‘copter and take off for the Swiss Alps.
She reminds him that he had the first, and now last, wunnawun. This means Adam and Matt will never have a wunnawun date with her and guarantees one of them is gone. Who tells their kids “well, your mom and I met in a group setting and we never spent any alone time until after our wedding!”
Eric and Matt are back on the Balcony of Tables hoping that Peter gets lost in the Alps.
In between trying to not freeze to death Peter admits he thought about bouncing several times since that first wunnawun. That’s the kind of patience and confidence you want in a husband.
9) C'mon, Vague
Peter and Rachel have their private dinner in a giant space. Rachel appreciates his honesty earlier, especially considering Bryan and Dean’s verbal gymnastics.
Rachel asks when the last time he brought a woman home to meet his family and he tells a weird vague story about how she never did. As a man, these stories all sound like pure horseshit. The more generally you speak, the more you’re trying to hide. It’s okay though, Rachel appreciates his story and gives him the last wunnawun rose anyhow. Now That’s What I Call The Bachelorette, Vol. 3!
10) All Killer No Filler
Meanwhile, back at the hotel, a date card shows up and even though we already know who’s going on this date the producers still cut the scene like it’s a dramatic reveal.
Instead of a bad pun the card just says “tomorrow will be difficult.” WOOF.
Eric, Matt, and Adam all prepare for their dates. They put on their coats, fill their pockets with doubt, and head off to meet Rachel in the empty streets of Geneva. “Geneva” in Swiss means “Seriously no one lives in this freaking town.”
The crew hop on a boat and head across Lake SNOLITFT to France. Somewhere Jonathan is watching this episode and cursing the skies that he missed the chance to be a French Tickler.
Adam says they are going to make this process really easy for her and then chugs his champagne and questions why he was just talking.
12) Personal Training
Rachel and Eric peel off to talk on a bench and he lays it on thick. He seems so nervous that I start sweating. I fear the worst but he settles in and for the first time on this show seems like an actual prospect.
He heads back to the drop zone to wait.
13) Matt Luck
Matt also wants to talk about how big this decision is and how much he understands that. He speaks with the passion and fire of a car salesman trying to sell you on the leather trim upgrade.
Rachel, tears in her eyes, declines the leather upgrade and says goodbye to Matt. Matt takes his champagne with him in the van, never once considering if there are open container laws in France. What a wreckless a-hole.
14) Just Give Me A-dam Chance
Adam and Eric and Rachel have their private dinner in a giant space. Instead of eating she takes Adam upstairs and he straight up asks her if she sees herself falling in love with him. She says yes then he talks about how he’s constantly asking the producers if he can check in on her. That doesn’t sound romantic, that sounds stalkermantic.
He pitches himself by saying “once you see my family you’ll REALLY love me” which would make me want to date his family instead?
15) My First Time
Eric and Rachel sit down to chat. This is the first time he’s going to bring a woman home to meet his family. He talks about growing up in Baltimore. He makes it sound really bad and somewhere the Baltimore Tourism Board is freaking out. Rachel, meanwhile, can’t get over the fact that he’s never brought someone home.
16) Rose Up
It’s decision time as Rachel talks about how important meeting someone’s family can be. After a dramatic few moments she gives the rose to Eric which, like, we knew.
Rachel walks Adam to the car, he says some awkward shit that I think he thought was poignant? Then he rides away telling us it was a mistake to not meet his family. This either means they were the coolest people on Earth and she missed out, or they’re criminals who are going to murder her for not picking their boy. Or they’re Minions.
We’re down to the Final Four as Rachel continues her search for love with an American around the world. Next week we get to meet the families and oh baby there’s a lot of tears involved. Also, Dean’s dad isn’t a Minion but he is…something.
Now That’s What I Call Bachelorette, Vol. 4!