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January 26, 2016

I Like Ted Cruz And I’m Not A Creepy Weirdo, Or Am I?

With the Republican primaries starting soon, I have to say: Ted Cruz is looking like my favorite candidate. All the sensationalized media coverage aside, Cruz just seems to me like the best person for the job. And I know, everyone is saying that Cruz is creepy and weird but I like him and I’m not creepy and weird. I don’t think.

When I tell people my opinion on Ted Cruz, I get all sorts of reactions. Sometimes anger or confusion, or even hesitant interest. But most of the time people are distracted by the fact that I’m keeping steady eye contact with them while I slowly stuff paper bags into my underpants because I like the way the crinkly paper feels on my waist, butt, and nutsack. People disagree with me a lot and think Cruz is the wrong guy for the job. Call me crazy, but I just plain disagree.

Sure, some of his policies seem a little old-fashioned. I’ll admit his views on gun rights have me feeling a little wary. When I feel wary I usually hide behind garbage cans, put a brown banana peel in my mouth, strap garbage can lids to my hands, jump out and yell, “Bang Bang I’m A Beeker Boy” spitting the chewed up peel and scaring little children and elderly’s. It gives me a sense of power to know that at any time I can make an individual fear me despite not knowing why they’re afraid of me, giving them less of a chance of taking that power away from me.

And power is something I feel like Cruz is trying to give back to hardworking American citizens like me (I work at Radio Shack and lick returned headphones). Which is why I support Ted Cruz in 2016, I don’t care if you don’t “get it.”

I know that part of the reason I’m hearing so much anti-Cruz sentiment is because I live in ultra liberal New York City and Cruz did say some disparaging things about our town. But that doesn’t mean I should get strange looks at the public library every time I wear my “Cruz for President” T-shirt and lick all the dust off the bookshelves. Dust tastes good to me. The library is filled with dust and I lick it all up and eat it. If I could eat dust every day I would but it’s not in my budget and there’s not enough dust. Call me frugal!

Honestly, I don’t get why people think Cruz is such a creepy weirdo in the first place. Look at some of the other candidates: Trump is talking about shooting people on 5th Ave., Clinton is “dabbing” on Ellen, heck, even plain vanilla Jeb Bush is making jokes about Hurricane Katrina. And I’m just sitting here scrawling each of the candidates’ names on a big rock and crossing out the ones that shine red while dancing around in the dried up Washington Square fountain and carrying a dirty old Sony CD player that plays dinosaur sounds that only I can hear. I’m dry but I feel all wet and it’s cold but I haven’t felt temperature since I stopped paying my taxes. That’s my secret ;).

What was I saying? Oh, yeah, Ted Cruz is a great choice to be the next President of the United States. I’m sick of people thinking I’m a creepy weirdo just because I think that. I’m also sick of people rolling their eyes and sighing at me when I sit right next to them on an otherwise empty train and tell them they smell like wet burning wood. That’s a COMPLIMENT!