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June 30, 2013

This article, "5 Steps To Creating an Offensive NFL Team Logo," is about the 5 Steps needed to create an Offensive NFL Team Logo. Thank you.


1. No Corpsing on Your Name

Pick something offensive. It doesn’t matter what. Our example will be the Washington Foreskins.

The trick, of course, the true satisfaction, comes from knowing the ‘skins is a terrible name for a supposed family entertainment such as professional football, but in never admitting it.

Critics will present many legitimate reasons why ‘skins should be retired. Never respond to a single point, as you’ll only prove them right. Instead, go out of your way to defend the term: sue journalists, trot out old stars to say how proud they are to be a ‘skin, conduct surveys and wag poll numbers that 14% of Ozarkians don’t find your team name offensive.

More than anything else, though, make sure you have a winning team, because that’s all sports fans truly care about. Give them something to cheer for, some sense of victory in their blinder'd lives, and they’ll do your work for you!

Just make the playoffs and it won’t matter if your team name is the “N-Word Killing Fields.” Sportscasters will still gush about your season and fans will prostrate themselves before your star athletes.

2. Dictate an Actual Race of People Be Your Mascot

As Hitler taught us, there’s no better way to marginalize a race of human beings than to liken them to beasts. For the home viewer, the repetition of seeing a race constantly conjoined with ravens, eagles and bears (oh my!), will help to dehumanize that group of people in the eyes of society.

Why, within a generation, people will think nothing of it. Your racism will be so far ingrained in the popular consciousness that you’ll successfully be able to slough off any lefty cries of disparagement with, “But its tradition!”

Granted, that argument didn’t help the ultimate repeal of Jim Crow laws or slavery, but look what it took to end those! History shows us that the “tradition” argument has legs.

For optimum results, start with a minority group, preferably one without a strong lobby. For the purposes of our example, let’s choose Jewish-American Businessmen as the race we most wish to turn into caricatures, both in the literal and figurative sense.

Now, I’m sure some of you readers must be asking, “Jeez, haven’t the Jews been through enough?” Yes, that race of people has had more than their fair share of trials, but this is just a for instance.

As a matter of fact, I’m sure that if the NFL had a number of teams owned by Jewish American Businessmen, that they—knowing the long-term toll racism ferments on a people’s psyche—they wouldn’t tolerate an actual NFL team name based on a hateful, derogatory slur, or even a racial signifier. No, I’m sure they’d stand up and defend the oppressed group. I'm sure they wouldn’t partake in profiting off of other's misery, in turning people into cartoons. Lest they be hypocrites.

Greedy hypocrites.

Greedy hypocrites, who do nothing but turn a blind eye.

You, on the other hand, you’re going to make untold millions on this offensive trademark, even if the mark is rescinded by the federal government as a disparaging term. Just keep going to court and fighting it; you’ll never win on moral grounds, but there’s plenty of loopholes at your disposal. Besides, with all the profits you’ll be raking in on merchandise, ticket sales and swag, having a lawyer on retainer practically pays for itself!

Again, for the purposes of our example, I’ve chosen at random an image of a typical Jewish-American Businessman: Daniel Snyder, the owner of the NFL’s Washington franchise. I realize Daniel may not have a foreskin, but he’s never been above acting like one.


5. Bastardize Items of Great Religious Significance

Whether it was Napoleon's troops defacing the Sphinx, Catholic churches ransacked during English Reformation, or Baptist churches bombed during the American Civil Rights Movement, nothing quite sticks a stake in a people's heart like devaluing their religious icons. Fortunately, through creating an offensive NFL team logo, you can also profit from this.

Now, if your mascot was say, an Indian, you’d probably choose a feather to incorporate into your caricature, and also into the circus of game day, as being awarded a feather in many Native American tribes is the equivalent of being awarded the Medal of Honor. Also, the feather is treated with the same reverence we reserve for the American flag.

Since the racial group we’ve chosen to demean is Jewish American Businessmen such as Daniel Snyder, something equally important to that group’s culture and sense of identity should be selected.

If memory serves, the great Jewish American Businessman Jack Abramoff once told Snyder exactly that, as spun in this yarn from Abramoff’s book, "Capital Punishment: The Hard Truth About Washington Corruption From America’s Most Notorious Lobbyist”:

"In my letter to Snyder, I asked him how we would feel if the New York team were called the [antisemitic phrase], or worse. Moreover, I knew that all Native Americans resented the use of the feathered headdress in the team band’s uniform. I asked how he would feel if the New York [antisemitic phrase] band had a uniform of black hats and prayer shawls...

"Snyder called me within hours of receiving the letter, and reviewed each point with me. He was kind and gracious, not the imperious brat the media had portrayed him to be. He said that he sympathized with my points about the team’s name, but he had been a Redskins fan since he was a kid, and he couldn’t bring himself to change it."

I think it was very brave of Snyder in that instance to stand up for his ethnic group, and not want to see their heritage exploited in such a horrific fashion, every season, in front of millions of people, year after year. I’m glad Snyder was able to see that some things should be cherished more than football.

But if you lack a conscience, and you are willing to exploit a minority race for your own selfish needs and unlimited profit, then I can’t stress enough how important it is to incorporate their people’s religious symbols into your carnival. What did they ever do for you, any how?

If the particular item has deep-rooted cultural significance over thousands of years, and the race you're hating on has strong emotional ties to it, you've got a winner.

For the purposes of our example, we’ll incorporate a payot into the motif. Payees represent a right of passage for young Orthodox Jewish men, in accordance with a direct law from the Torah. Leviticus took time away from his gay-bashing to also record for posterity, “Ye shall not round the corners of your heads, neither shalt thou mar the corners of thy beard.”

Such is the significance of payees in Jewish culture. In the culture of professional football, its concession stand gold.


So there you have it. Be evasive, malign a race, defame the sacred, and your offensive NFL team logo will have you drowning in money in no time. Now show some chutzpah and get out there and do it! Geronimo’s skull isn’t going to steal itself.

Go ‘skins!