Top 10 Presidential Butts
Written by: Kaitlyn Blansett
Oh say can you see that delicious booty? Sorry about that.
Damn it, Kaitlyn, don’t apologize when you’re writing an article. Okay we’re doing this now.
With President’s Day recently behind us, we recently started thinking about our presidents’ behinds. We think about our favorites (Franklin Pierce) and the worsts (ANDREW JACKSON) and the ones with the worst allergies (LBJ). But America, it is time to talk about a real pressing issue in this country.
HERE ARE THE TOP 10 PRESIDENTIAL BUTTS:
10. Millard Filmore
I know what you’re thinking. Who in the world is Millard Fillmore? Well I’ll blame the education system and inform you that he was the 13th president of the United States and the last President the Whig party ever produced. Which good fucking riddance to the Whig party because their policies were entirely out-of-date and I think we can all agree that wigs belong in adult films and Halloween costumes only.
Fillmore’s claim to fame? Dat ass. Millard Fillmore is remembered as the only President to give his State of the Union speech bass-awkwards to show off what he mama gave him.
9. Abraham Lincoln
We know what you’re thinking. You’re actually going to try to minimize all the amazing humanitarian accomplishments Abraham Lincoln made and attempt to define his success as a president to the size and shape of his bottom??? Um, yes. The classic “Babe-raham Lincoln” joke didn’t just appear out of thin air. Mary Todd may have made the best rump roast in the Union, but it was Abe who brought the hot rump to the bedroom
8. Jimmy Carter
I know what you’re thinking.Iran hostage crisis, high fuel prices, the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. To which I say, okay yeah all of those things are bad. But his caboose definitely makes up for the train wreck of his last few months in term.
7. George Washington
For number 7 we’re taking it back to the basics. Some old-fashion, revolutionary, wooden-toothed, powdered wig, American basics. What’s that, Mr. President, you cannot tell a lie? Well neither can I. Washington’s duff is an American hero itself, coming in with a perfect combination of round and juicy. Give the apple-bottom jeans to this guy, because he’s earned them. Historically speaking, Washington’s ass won the American Revolution. Washington charged into the Important Deciding Battle of the American Revolution, not backwards so that the enemy could appreciate the butt, but forwards so it was displayed for his men only, to give them courage and strength in the fighting ahead. God bless America.
6. William Howard Taft
Yes. I wrote this whole article specifically to make the pun in the caption.
5. Franklin Pierce
Okay so what if Wikipedia says he is widely regarded as one of the worst presidents in history? And so what if he believed that slavery was fundamental to the unity of the United States? And so what if he tried to get Congress to pass multiple anti-abolitionist acts during his term? The guy was hot.
Actually that went way too far. Slavery was awful and all of those acts were unforgivable no matter how attractive this guy was. We’ll redo number five.
Here’s to the man who doesn’t even need a name, just initials. Here’s to the man that bagged not only Jackie, but Marilyn Monroe and countless maids, cooks, garbage collectors, street performers, auditors, but obviously not enough assassins.
4. Michelle Obama
She’s not even a president. Neither are you, you sexist asshole.
3. Bill Clinton
With one of the most famous sex scandals in modern history, Bill Clinton has to have something going on back there. Remember when Beyonce was all like “Monica Lewinskied all on my gown” and we were all like Oh my God. She just made a verb out of the Bill/Monica scandal. We love it. And then everybody started Monica Lewinsking on everything
2. Jackie O
This article is shit. She wasn’t a president either. I’m pretty done with this. Well, actually I’ve made it this far. I guess it’d be stupid to stop now. Now I’m curious. Who has the best butt? If I don’t finish this article, it might haunt me for the rest of my life. Or I could just make decisions for myself like my mother wants. Sometimes it’s really hard to live up to her standards, ya know? Like sorry I wasn’t a fucking astronaut, Mom. Sorry my brother became a professor at MIT and I just sit on the internet reading mediocre articles promoted by the campus branch of FunnyOrDie. What do you want from me, Julia? What?!
1. Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson? More like Bomb-ass Jefferson!
Yeah. This actually took me a really long time and I’m pretty done with it. Glad you finished it though! Sorry I can’t give you your seven minutes back.