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May 08, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. This is one of those days. He may or may not be incarcerated. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

The CIA reportedly stopped a terrorist plot to destroy a U.S.-bound airliner. The terrorists were so determined they even let the CIA train them on how to destroy a U.S.-bound airliner.

Terrorists planned to use a new, upgraded version of an underwear bomb. Or as it's known to airline passengers, another excuse to rub down brown people.

South Korean officials say they've confiscated over 17,000 pills made from dead babies over the past nine months. "You'll never stop our dead baby pill trade!" said Planned Parenthood. "Never!"

A 13-year-old has been told that he can't play on a girl's field hockey team because he's considered too skilled. At showing his teammates his penis.

Researchers say dinosaurs could have possibly warmed the planet with their flatulence. If only they'd listened to the Al Gorotops.

Google+ users can now have their videochats with multiple people broadcast live to the entire Internet. The biggest challenge: Finding multiple people on Google+.

A New York City man was set on fire while undergoing a tracheotomy at a hospital. He was immediately treated for the burns but was accidentally covered in killer bees.

Vladimir Putin has been officially sworn in as president of Russia. Not wasting any time, Putin held a meeting with his cabinet almost immediately after.

While commenting on a basketball game Mitt Romney attended, Charles Barkley said, "We’re going to beat you like a drum in November." At which point he ran into the crowd after Mitt Romney screaming, "It's November!"

A new study suggests that mice that eat yogurt have 5 percent to 15 percent heavier testicles than those that don't. Unfortunately the mice are also more likely to look like furry Jamie Lee Curtises.