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April 06, 2015
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let's address the elephant in the teacher's lounge. The elephant that smells like a porn set.

bad smell 1.jpg

Hello everyone. As the new principle here at North Hollywood High School, I’d once again like to say that I’m very happy to be at this school! I’ve heard good things and am excited to do what I can to keep our students test scores high, and hazing of freshmen low. I know how annoying unplanned teacher meetings like this can be but I really needed to talk to you guys. I’ll just bring up the elephant in the room: the teachers’ lounge smells like semen, it makes me uncomfortable, and I’d like to get to the bottom of this.

Now I’ve only been here for a few weeks now, but whenever I walk into the teacher’s lounge, it consistently smells like a bunch of people came in and got their baby gravy on everything. Now it’s not like I’m crazy, principle McDougal knows what semen smells like. Guys this is serious, stop laughing! And don’t look at me like I’m weird, every guy in this room has at one point and time smelled their own baby gravy. Usually out of curiosity…but that’s beside the point! The teachers’ lounge smells like semen, and I’d like to issue the stench a cease and desists order.

Apparently the Teacher’s lounge didn’t always use to smell like this, so does anyone have any idea why the lounge smells like Man Mayo?Mr. Grenderson, stop the chuckling, that goes for everybody! Now I’ve got a few theories as to why this is happening.

Theory 1: A lot of people are spanking monkey in the teachers’ lounge. If this is true, I gotta say, inappropriate.This is a jumping off point for academia, not a monkey-spanking zone. Spank your monkeys at home people.

Theory 2: the student body is pranking us. Student pranks aren’t uncommon, however, I’m very curious how they gained access to the teachers lounge and managed to make everything smell like man mayo. If this is true, part of me wants to high five the 14 -18 year old masterminds behind this, as well as expel them indefinitely.

Theory 3: at some point somebody came into the Teachers’ lounge and dumped man mayo on everything. It seems physically impossible to gather this much man mayo, but I guess if you got enough people together to spank monkey then it would be…plausible at best. This probably didn’t happen, but the teachers lounge steady smells like semen so…yeah.

Now, one of my favorite things to do at my old school was relax in the teachers lounge. Being a principle can be really stressful. Knowing that I could head on down to the teachers’ lounge, make myself a cup of joe, and check out on the couch was really comforting. Now that I’m at North Hollywood High School, where the teachers’ lounge smells like funky yogurt, I can’t do that! A part of me wants to just get a black light and shine it in the teacher’s lounge, just so that I can confirm whether or not there’s semen on everything. I had a nightmare last night that I actually DID do that, and the room was so blindingly white that I lost my 20/20 vision. It was terrifying.I’m having a lot of trouble working like this, and I’d like it if everyone would do what can to make the teachers’ lounge smell like it did when I first got here, like Nutella.

It may seem like I’m over exaggerating this problem, but guys…the teachers lounge smells like straight up semen, I can’t be the only who’s not okay with this. I’m sorry I had to call this meeting, but I couldn’t keep doing my job without saying something. This is going to be good school year guys, see you tomorrow! Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go home and strum my meat guitar.

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