This post was by far the most difficult one to write in terms of being pressed for time. I texted owners for their comments on Tuesday while I was writing up the previous week's wrap up, and I had a short Wednesday to type this one up.
I was getting out of work early for the extended Thanksgiving weekend, so I had to write this ATL on Wednesday some time between 9a and 3p. I was actually pretty busy at work, so I had about two hours to pound this one out on my iPhone (can't risk using work computer). Speaking of iPhone, you already know someone has tried to get Siri to talk dirty to them.
The regular season schedule worked out very nice for us this year, and there are some very critical mathchups these last two weeks. Let's take a look.
Professional Blues = me (Fox)
my ninjas = black
Jack D Rocks = brown
Legion of Doom = blue
RamRods = red
Bastard Mutants = orange
T. Green? = green
AK-47 = Adam (only met him a few times and have no idea what his last name is)
CANT WAIT = turquoise
Bruce Blingstein = gray (*automatic win*)
FaNasty News Around The League (Week 12)
RAMRODS *AUTOMATIC WIN*
RamRods owner J*** C****** may have an *automatic win* this week, but he'll be closely monitoring the rest of the competition the entire weekend. If the RamRods have any hope of playing in week 14, they will need CANT WAIT and my ninjas to lose their respective matchups. Until this happens, they should not even be thinking about week 13. C****** was not available for comment, but we didn't expect nor even really want one. He shouldn't have much to say at this point, and if he did, it would probably start with something like, "See, what happened was.." Of course his team needs to remain healthy this week, as always in the case of *automatic win* week; but his team's future ultimately depends on the help of some league opponents. I am far from a prophet, but I'd say they can go ahead and plan that offseason vacation now. Fucked.
CANT WAIT v. AK-47
E***** S******'s CANT WAIT club has the fourth most points in the league, however they find themselves in seventh place and currently out of the playoff picture heading into the final two weeks of the regular season. A win against AK-47 and/or a Jack D Rocks victory over my ninjas this weekend will earn CANT WAIT sixth place at the least, so this matchup is as big as it gets for S******. AK-47 owner Adam is looking to continue his miraculous comeback and remain in the playoff race. He was not available for comment, but rumors suggest he was a little shaken up by last week opponent S** C*******'s comments regarding former Bradley University student Nina Neeners. Now whether his silence proves his innocence or whether it means he knew something about that poor girl's disappearance is something we cannot answer. We caught up with S****** earlier this morning, and it seemed like he was a little out of sorts. When asked about his thoughts heading into a very important week, S****** said, "Fuck Ron Gronkowski." As we mentioned, T. Green? tight end Rob "Motherfuckin'" Gronkowski helped seal the win over S******'s club last week. Still feeling the burn, E***** decided to butcher the player's name and tell him to fuck himself. That's fire, that's passion. We like it. This is what it's all about. And I think this intensity will translate to the football field this weekend for the CANT WAIT club, ultimately leading to a close win. Running back Arian "Fucking" Foster will be Arian "Fucking" Foster this weekend, however, so I don't think CANT WAIT will be able to cover the spread. (AK-47 +23)
LEGION OF DOOM v. T. GREEN?
One of these teams is on a winning streak while the other is on a losing streak, and you'd be surprised which team is which. Aside from an early loss to the Bastard Mutants, B** J****'s Legion of Doom coasted through the regular season unblemished. But with losses these past two weeks, maybe this team has realized it's mortality. We tried to reach out to J**** for comment, but he declined. Clearly his team's recent performance has struck a nerve, because J**** usually has something for the press each week. If you ask us, he's just upset and reevaluating his roster. But if you ask T. Green? owner T** P******, J**** is cheating. When asked about this weekend's opponent, P****** said, "Ballers everywhere." He then went on to question exactly how J**** got first pick in the draft and thus a handful of blue chip players, noting a peculiarity that J**** also serves as the FaNasty league commissioner. After wondering why he was the only owner to find this strange, P****** ended his time with us by saying, "Fuck it. Just win baby." The reason why we have not reported on J****'s "alleged" activities until now is because there was already an investigation into the matter. It turns out that before the first pick of the draft was revealed, Professional Blues owner Fox had the opportunity to decide whether the first team selected at random would be the first pick in the draft or the last. Fox chose the last, and then was subsequently selected first (thus giving the PB Squad last pick in the draft). The investigation was thorough and immediately closed after confirmation from league-wide sources. I think T** sees J**** a little rattled, so he's trying to stir up some shit before they square off. Will T. Green? back it up? The mighty Legion may be going through a Miami Heat phase of sorts, so we say yes. (T. Green? +8)
BASTARD MUTANTS v. PROFESSIONAL BLUES
Last week, both of these teams already knew they were playoff-bound. What they didn't know was that the following week they would be fighting for top playoff seeding and a first week playoff bye. Mutants owner D** S***** seemed pretty content at holding the number two seed, and PB Squad owner Fox believes he justs needs to be in it to win it. "To be honest, I started to plan for Souder's Mutants last week because I thought we were surely fucked against the Legion," Fox said earlier this afternoon. Turns out the PB Squad shocked J****'s LoD club last week and can potentially move into third place with a win this week. Fox ends the regular season with an *automatic win*, so a first round bye is still very much in the cards. Franchise quarterback Mike Vick continues to be sidelined with a rib injury, so Fox will once again need to hope that Matt Moore does just enough to contribute. He also needs Ryan Fitzpatrick to wake the fuck up. Fox told us he had a meeting with his two week 12 quarterbacks earlier this morning to try and inspire them. He didn't tell us much about all that was said, but he did tell us that he ended the meeting by telling both players to "be fucking heroes." While Bastard Mutants owner D** S***** was texting Fox last weekend in support of the P Blues' upset over the J****'s Legion, I think he may hold the phone this weekend. When we spoke to S***** this morning, he deflected questions about the Professional Blues and instead spent two hours talking about the history of Thanksgiving. He was wearing a pilgrim outfit and everything, it was classic. As you would probably guess, he totally fucked up the story of how Thanksgiving came to be. We won't go on too much of a tangent here, but he pretty much told the entire story of the adventures of Lewis and Clark (and accurately, which is even more disturbing) and threw in a sitdown turkey dinner at some point. Before leaving, S***** ended by saying, "Gobble gobble witcha snobble fobble." Speechless. It would be pretty impressive if Fox managed to pull off another upset, but I think the PB Squad comes up a little short this week due to lack of production at the quarterback position. He always seems to find a way to remain highly competitive--even in matchups like this--so we don't see the Mutants running away with this one. S***** may even sweat a little. (Professional Blues +25)
MY NINJAS v. JACK D ROCKS
S** C*******'s Jack D Rocks club has had a rough '11 season, yet the owner still remains positive. With his team virtually out of the playoff hunt, S** spent his time with us today clearing the air on the recent NinaNeenersgate controversy while also reflecting on his friendship with my ninjas owner D** O********. In regards to Nina Neeners, S** said she is fine and actually doing missionary work in Costa Rica. C******* claims that his source (a man he called "Moe"), a regular at one of the bars he owns, may have just told him that story to keep getting free drinks. He then offered a back-handed compliment to last week's opponent Adam and his AK-47 club, saying, "Good win for Adam, who fights like a girl." About O******** and his my ninjas team (whom he called "my ganjas"), S** was quick to praise. He doesn't know how he plans to beat a team that has Aaron Rodgers, saying that "he plays like Marshall Faulk." Now how he can compare the play of a quarterback to a running back we have absolutely no fucking idea, but it's S**. I guess at this point in the season he deserves a break. C******* ended his conversation by discussing him and O********'s Thanksgiving ritual of sneaking away from family to get "good and stoned" before eating. He swears that turkey, taters, and stuffing never tasted so good following a blunt-filled cruise on the *****-****** expressway. Amen brotha. And would you look at this, D** O******** actually took a little time out of his day to catch up with us this morning. We imagine his team's win last week has him in a better mood, and he told us they are ready to make a playoff push. O******** said that his all-everything quarterback Aaron Rodgers will not stop until he reaches his "moment of clarity." We aren't sure what he's talking about, but it sounds like some deep shit. When asked if he thinks he is manager-savvy enough to lead his team to the playoffs, O******** said, "In a game full of smoke and mirrors, I be the realest." I think we will just leave that one alone and wait to see how this week plays out. We told you it was dog day, so we don't think my ninjas will cover the spread. And we'll even go a step further and call this matchup our upset alert of the week. (Jack D Rocks +7)