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November 08, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Californians voted to change their state's "three strike" law. Electing to replace it with the far more lenient "Madonna's Super Bowl Half Time Show."

Likewise, California voted to require adult film actors to wear condoms while filming in Los Angeles County. Adult filmmakers are upset, as they worry it will ruin the reality of a sexy pizza delivery guy.

Forbes magazine suggested Obama's re-election could create a liberal-leaning Supreme Court for the first time in over 40 years. Though it'll take a lot to balance out Anton Scalia. Because he's fat.

The planned sequel to "Top Gun" has reportedly fallen apart. But not as badly as when everyone found out what happened to Goose.

Missourians defeated a state tobacco tax hike, whose revenue would have mostly gone to public education. Analysts would use the phrase "vicious cycle," but for the sake of Missouri, let's just call it a "not good round square."

Dave Grohl will play drums on the upcoming Queens of the Stone Age album. "Hey. You're welcome," said Obama.

A majority of Puerto Ricans voted in favor of becoming America's 51st state. "Not if we get there first!" said Missouri.

A worldwide BBC poll found that Israel is viewed as negatively as North Korea. Said Israel, "That's unfair since we only starve, at most, 20 percent of the people who live here."

CNN is projecting that a record number of women will be in the U.S. Senate. Raising the question, in what binder did they find all these women?!

Member of the Black Eyed Peas will.i.am will release a new song in honor of Obama's re-election. Which explains why Obama just called Mitt Romney to concede.

Lady Gaga is donating $1 million to the American Red Cross to aid Hurricane Sandy relief efforts ... but only if Obama releases his college transcripts.

On election night, Chris Matthews of MSNBC said, "I'm so glad we had that storm last week." He immediately clarified his comment, saying, "Because it gave me time in the dark to think about Obama."