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September 27, 2012

Brian writes monologue jokes every day. “This is one of those days,” to misquote Fred Durst. You can find more at http://brianunderstands.tumblr.com and tell him he’s a muffin on Twitter @BrianLisi. Thank you.

Canada officially banned the drug known as bath salts. Unless, ya know, bath salts turns its act around, because everyone deserves a second chance, yeah?

ESPN says the NFL may be close to reaching a new agreement with the NFL Referees Association. In fact, replacement referees say it's almost a done deal/five years away.

Mass protests against austerity measures took place in Spain and Greece early this week. In related news, hey, did you know Burger King is still doing its 2 for $3 Croissan'Wich special?

The Boy Scouts say they will review allegations of child molestation dating back to 1960. On the down side, this means they will fail to earn their Joe Paterno badge.

President Mohamed Magarief said the film "The Innocence of Muslims" had "nothing to do with" the recent attack on the U.S. embassy in Libya. Said Magarief, "Are you familiar at all with the movie 'The Oogieloves'?"

In related news, Iran is boycotting the Oscars next year in response to the anti-Islam film. That and they really don't want to worry about losing to "Frankenweenie."

Pollster Nate Silver says that Obama’s odds of winning reelection are 80 percent. Though he's still not convincing people who don't trust anyone with a last name that could kill a werewolf.

On Tuesday evening, journalist Mona Eltahawy was arrested for defacing a New York City subway ad telling people to "defeat jihad." You can tell she was passionate about it too because she put her hand near a New York City subway ad.

Staffers for Sen. Scott Brown chanted “war whoops” and made “tomahawk chops" at a recent rally, most likely in reference to rival Elizabeth Warren's claims to being part Native American. The staffers have since apologized and have offered her a bunch of blankets as a peace offering.

In Hong Kong, a father is offering $65 million to any man who can steal his daughter away from her lesbian girlfriend and marry her. And no cheating, Chaz Bono!

Author JK Rowling says she might revise two Harry Potter books because she  “had to write them on the run." Adding, "From grammar, on my way to a giant paycheck."

In Virginia, the Mecklenburg County Republican Committee is being criticized for posting racist images of Obama on its Facebook page. FYI, Mecklenburg is German for "Slow News Day Target."

In the aftermath of her calling Obama a black Muslim at a concert, Madonna says she was just being ironic. And she should know what irony is--she was just graduating high school when it was first invented.

Members of Congress spend 27 percent of their time taunting one other, according to Harvard researchers. Which sounds bad until you hear that they spend 59 percent of their time making up and, in fact, becoming stronger friends for it.

Google Maps now lets users explore the Great Barrier Reef. Or as the iPhone 5 refers to it, Delaware.