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Published April 04, 2012

The tale starts off with a boy from mid-west America named Tommy. Tommy has always been curious about the Christmas season, mesmerized by all of its glory and wonders, he wonders if Santa Claus really does exist, and makes it his life's goal to uncover this mystery.

We start off at his home in some mountain in some state. Tommy is in bed soundly asleep when all of a sudden the ghost from "Christmas Five Year Lata" appears at the foot of Tommy's bed. This sudden appearance shocks Tommy and causes him to cower under his blanket, but the ghost exclaims "I be da ghosts from five year lata mayne, and I done come to da mo'fuckin' past to show ya lil' nuggah bitch ass wat happen in five year if u..." Tommy interrupts with "Excuse me dear ghost, I think you may be mistaken, I am but a boy in search of the Santa Clause, I think you are searching for that old bitch down the street." The ghost replies "Oh shit nigga, I'm in da wrong mothafuckin' house again, well lata nigga." The ghost then disappeared.

The next morning when Tommy awoke to go down stairs for breakfast he noticed something weird, everything seemed to take the coloration of a candy cane. At first Tommy thought he was still dreaming, but after sticking a knife blade in his throat and shoving his left hand in a blender, he was well aware he was awake. Tommy examined the room with surprise, he thought to himself "Huh, this sure is strange." Tommy opened his refrigerator to find nothing but the utmost of all delectable holiday treats. Tommy with his eyes wide open went to town with great lust onto the delicious candies, cakes, and other holiday treats. When Tommy had had enough he began to feel real tired, so he decided he would take a nap. So there Tommy lied down on the floor and went to sleep.

When Tommy awoke he was no longer in his home, he was in a cave of sorts, at first Tommy was confused by the new appearance, but then he remembered that his mother was a heavy crack addict when pregnant with him so he just figured his blood was laced with coke or something. As Tommy examined the cave he noticed a giant sleeping yeti, Tommy approached. Tommy poked the yeti with a stick he found in order to try and wake it up. The yeti shouted "WHO DARES WAKE THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN!" Tommy jumped back in fright and exclaimed "It is me, Tommy, from some shitty mountain town in the mid-west, I request to know why I am here and what is going on" The Abominable Snowman replied "You dare breach my cave human and expect to live, you will be my dinner!" The Abominable Snowman got up and began to chase Tommy. Tommy ran away as fast as he could, but he could hear the great yeti catching up, soon Tommy could see an end to the cave and took a dash faster than he had ever ran in his entire life. Several rocks fell and blockaded all but a small opening atop the entrance. Tommy, being a professional Olympic pole-vaulter, pulled out a pole-vaulting pole and launched himself swiftly into the air over the fallen rocks, as he flew over the rocks and let go of the pole and it flew back and impaled The Abominable Snowman in the eye, thus piercing his brain. The Abominable Snowman then exploded and opened a time rift, and Tommy who was still in the air launching over the rocks was sucked in.

The year was now 30,240 B.C. (After Bill Cosby's Death) Tommy saw what the world was like then, everything was made of data, it was like the movie Tron, minus everything that made the movie Tron, Tron. As Tommy looked in amazement, all of the a sudden a giant robot downloaded out of thin-air, the robot exclaimed "You are not welcome here, you must return to your own time" Tommy looked in confusion and said "How do I do this great one?" The robot asked Tommy to come with him, and Tommy did so. The robot took Tommy to a great building, "This is the Great Hall of Time" said the robot, "But in order to enter you must seek past the sentry guards." said the robot. Tommy, being a special-force operative back in the day knew just what to do, so he pulled out a pole-vaulting pole and pole-vaulted right over all of the guards. He landed in front of the entrance. A guard spotted Tommy and announced "Hey, stop that kid!" They all opened fire, but their weapons were no match for Tommy's Blade of A Thousand Hot Chocolates. He swiftly overcame their firepower with swift blade-work and ricochet their bullets back at them. The guards were down, Tommy quickly sprinted into the Great Hall of Timmy and ran toward the portal of his time. All of a sudden, in front of the portal of his time Bill Cosby's head appeared and announced "You have done well Tommy." Tommy exclaimed "You're still alive?!" Bill Cosby replied with "Yes, although I may have died over 30,000 years ago, due to your defeat of the great yeti known as "The Abominable Snowman" in your time the future was shaped how it is today, all living within a perfect utopia within my command, after the yeti's death I found the gave and sampled his blood, after much study in my secret labs it was revealed to be the true key to life after death, and after self-injection I was able to respawn as supreme overlord of the universe 10,000 years after my passing on my deathbed. Now return home Tommy, there is one last part of your quest to be fulfilled." Tommy sprinted and with a leap went through the portal sailing back home.

Tommy appeared in an arctic wasteland of great frostbitten temperatures, there he saw one lone building. He approached it, and went to the front door. Tommy knocked on this strange buildings door. A fat man with a beard opened and said "Well hello there little boy, who might you be?" Tommy replied "I am Tommy, from some shitty mountain town in North America where I bunch of old cunts live." Tommy was invited inside. Tommy asked the man who he was and he bearded man replied, "I am none other than St. Nicholas, the one and only Kris Kringle, also known as Santa Clause for all the hot bitches that wanna hop on my North Pole." Tommy replied "Why am I here?" and Santa replied "Boy, you have journeyed long and hard for the answers of my existence, and your quest is finally complete, but before I return you home I have something for you." Santa went to the back of the room and grabbed a small wrapped box and approached Tommy handing it to him. "Do not open this until you are back at your home." Tommy replied "But how will I.." Santa punch Tommy in the face and Tommy was out cold.

Tommy awoke in his bed at home the same as he had went to sleep the night before, Tommy thought of himself "Oh.. it was all just a dream after all... phew..." Tommy laid lack on his pillow and felt something hard under it, he turned over and lifted his pillow up to find the box Santa had given him and a note that read "Sorry for the knockout, you could totally be a pedophile or something and I didn't want you to know the directions to get to my house." Tommy thought "So it wasn't all a dream after all." Tommy opened the box with extreme joy to find a lone jingle bell and then Tommy said "What kind of stuck up asshole who owns a toy factory gives a kid a jingle bell, what a fucking sham that cunt is, I'm going to go play strangle the neighbors newborn or something."

The End.

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