The Highlights of a Low-Light Night:
10:30: Stopped watching a Tivo'd Shark Swarm deciding we had better get to the theater early because the last time we were wrapped around a building for Hangover 2.
10:30-10:37: Rapping the MIB song by Will Smith. Can we please get another album from Will Smith soon?
Makes me remember that there probably wasn't a cooler person in the 90s than Will Smith. He was solid gold, too bad he disappeared for four years. It'll be good to see him again. I scratch my chin, wondering if I have aged better than he has. As I scratch, I realize my beard extends to my neck. Default victor: Will Smith.
Dancing Illegal Aliens get me every time.
10:37: Arrive at Theater. No one is in line yet, so Starbucks run. Regretting not wearing a full MIB costume and wishing I made that suit look good.
10:38: Order a large tea at Starbucks forgetting how large a Starbuck large tea is. Due to my track record of running to the bathroom at least 3 times before premieres, the large cup may come in handy.
10:40: Told by the usher that the MIB 3D line is outside, the 2D line is inside. I tell him I'm pretty sure that James Cameron already fought the civil rights battle for separate Dimension lines. He's not amused.
As we walk outside, we pass a large line for Chernobyl Diaries, it's a bunch of junior high and high schoolers. I say, "Go home, smellya later." The reference falls on deaf ears. Wish I was wearing a pair of Zoobas.
10:41: We're the first in line, actually the only ones in line. So we're either really cool or really lame, only time will tell. Time tells me I'm lame a lot of the time.
11:00: An usher comes out and asks us if we are in line for MIB3. Maybe she thought we were avid line queue engineers because if ever two people looked like they were waiting in line for a midnight movie it was us. But then again, since we were the only 2 there and I was in front, then maybe I wasn't technically waiting in line.
11:01: As the usher ushered us in, hope surged. It was obvious to me now that, we were late and they had simply taken all the people inside the theater already. She leads the way, but our theater still has the Avengers scroller above it.
11:02: Empty. Empty. Emptiness. Not a soul. We decide to sit in two seats right next to each other in order to keep warm in the coldness of the theater and the coldness of the universe.
11:30: The good news: another person comes. The bad news: It's a mom. She laughs that we are the only people in the theater. She explains that, "My son is coming with his friends, I brought them here, but I can't sit with them." Am I cooler than this person? Hard to say, she did laugh at me and looks rich.
11:35: The boy and his friends arrive. He decides that since no one else is in the theater that his Mom can sit with them.
11:36: The 90s are dead.
When a movie is so uncool to younger kids that you can watch it with your own Mother in a public place and have her sit directly next to you is pretty much all the proof I would need. It was the ultimate irony for a movie starring an actor that once proposed that "Parents Just Don't Understand." I now know he's wrong, parents get it, it's the kids that don't understand.
The Hollywood Defender