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July 21, 2016

Jojo visits the final contestants' hometowns and learns which deep-rooted problems caused them to go on a reality dating show.

Finally, it’s here. The most wildcard week of The Bachelorette epoch, Hometowns. The main question being answered this week: Will Jojo learn which deep-rooted problems caused each of them to go on a nationally-televised reality dating show?

Hometown Date #1 w/ Chase in Highlands Ranch, CO

Chase meets Jojo at a mountain lookout point and it’s fucking gorgeous.

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No matter the formidable terrain, Jojo will trek on in performing her signature straddle greeting move.

Chase describes to Jojo how he’s from a “broken home” due to his parents being divorced. Jojo asks if the divorce was bad. Chase says yes, “like, lawsuits, and to watch my mom suffer and hurt, it was just painful.”

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I’m from a broken home, Jojo. This is why I haven’t opened up. Is that enough to get me to Fantasy Suites?

They discuss how this has made Chase put up walls as far as relationships. He’s now my number 1 *OF WHAT’S LEFT*. Jojo is also super into how he’s opening up.

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You have passed my “does he have enough excuses to not be opening up” test.

They go to Chase’s house to meet his Dad who asks if they’ve spent a lot of time together. Chase tells him, “the time we do spend together is just out of this world.”

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Yeah, my 15-minute slice of the rotation has been bananas! Hope we never split!

Chase then presses his father to explain what he fucked up in his first marriage for Jojo. Chase: “I’ve just had a hard time understanding why it hasn’t– why– why it didn’t– not– your first marriage work out?” Chase’s Dad blames it on his competitive climb up the corporate ladder.

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Sometimes you try to go too many rungs up on the ladder and end up sleeping with a new rung and forgetting that you have a wife and two young children on the bottom rungs.

Chase asks Jojo to leave the room but first makes out w/ her in front of his Dad.

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Chase and Jojo then visit the broken home of Chase’s Mom. They greet the family including a baby with an ironic mustache pacifier. They call the baby Bobblehead.

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Monsieur Bobblehead can’t be tamed.

Jojo sits down with Chase’s Mom and Jojo grills her about how Chase has been slow to open up.

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He’s a little bit slow to open up. Most of the guys told me they loved me by date 2. Are there issues in his past explaining this outlier behavior?

Chase’s Mom: “When kids go through a divorce, maybe they shy away from being in a serious relationship and getting married… He’s done a great job of evolving and being happy.”

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He’s done a great job of evolving. At first, we thought his Pikachu would remain that way forever, but sure enough, RAICHU, BABY!!!

Jojo and Chase’s Mom then tell each other they can tell the other knows how to have fun. They’re gonna make out.


Chase sits down with his sister. Chase’s Sister: “This is fun. Thank you for this experience.” BREAKING THE FOURTH WALL!!! WHAT BARRIERS WILL THE BACHELOR TAKE DOWN NEXT?!

Chase and his sister discuss “dropping that L-bomb” and how it’s more than a word to them specifically because of their broken home.

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I didn’t even drop the L-bomb until AFTER I’d given birth to Bobblehead if you can believe it. \#BrokenHomeProblems ammiright?

Chase’s Mom gives Chase a third grader’s book report of Jojo’s personality: “She’s darling, great laugh, loves dogs, hates fish, is fond of you, so she’s smart… You have been the most amazing son and you deserve the most amazing girl.” K, now I’m crying too. Chase’s Mom, Chase, and me.

God, Mom, I never tear up but you know I hate fish so much, could this be any more perfect?!

Chase’s Mom: “And crying is not our style.” Chase: “What if [my future wife] is here tonight? I want her to be here tonight.”

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Crying is not our style. We mock our babies and we make out with our son’s girlfriends but we do NOT cry.

Chase walks Jojo out. Chase: “I’m falling in love with you Jojo.” Yesssss everyone is so emotionally invested, heartbreak here we come.

Hometown Date #2: A-Ro-Bro in Chico, CA

Jojo is screaming while trying to film her intro sequence: “The deer! The deer! They’re flying! Oh my gosh!”

Jojo assumes A-Ro-Bro’s hometown is the North Pole.

A-Ro-Bro: “I don’t know the last time I’ve been this excited about a girl, about seeing my family again, I mean all of it.” He looks like a chicken with his hair blowing up.

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I don’t know the last time I’ve been this excited about a girl, about seeing my family again, or about bobbing my head back and forth, pecking viciously at scattered grains!

A-Ro-Bro takes Jojo by his old high school where he’s made them put up a love graphic on the sign for Jojo.

They “run into” A-Ro-Bro’s old JV Football coach who is teaching a P.E. class?

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After Coach Taylor, I’m going to introduce you to my middle school cross-country coach. That’ll be a thrill and a half!

Jojo then meets all of A-Ro-Bro’s high school teachers?

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Yep, Mrs. Brown was my 9th grade Spanish teacher. Very big part of my life. It’s really important to me that she and my future wife are supes close.

They’re making out in the library. This is so creepy. A-Ro-Bro is living out his teenage fantasy. He says he never had a “serious” girlfriend in high school. I’m sensing a trend.

All of my “not-serious girlfriends” in high school used to dome me here. Isn’t this romantic?

What room are they in with all these photos of A-Ro-Bro’s Bros??? A-Ro-Bro hasn’t let go of high school but high school hasn’t let go of him either.

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See if you can find America’s Fuckboy’s photo on this wall from when he was still Chico’s Fuckboy.

Jojo: “After I saw those photos, I don’t know if he was such a hotshot.”

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He hasn’t talked to Aaron the last year or two?? Is it because of Olivia Munn? I can’t look into this because I am terrified of spoilers but this is what I’m hearing.

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Is that your brother? Yeah I guess so. Can we get back to me already?

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I’m like, so over my past accomplishments in high school and in football. Hey what’s that over there?

A-Ro-Bro on discussing Aaron with his family: “It doesn’t need to be a topic.”

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It doesn’t need to be a topic. Appropriate topics include my hair, my style, my hilarious bro Luke’s jokes, my high school accomplishments, how much my high school teachers loved me, etc.

A-Ro-Bro about his family’s attitude towards Bach: “I was skeptical. They were skeptical.” Jojo’s confessional immediately after: “A part of me wonders if they’re going to be a little skeptical."THE WHOLE OF YOU SHOULD BE SURE THEY’RE GOING TO BE SKEPTICAL HE JUST TOLD YOU. A-Ro-Bro says his life has moved on from football but they’ve met his old football coaches, they’re sitting in his old football stadium, and there is a random football sitting in the foreground of each shot.

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Hey little guy where’d you come from?!

Jojo is nervous and tells A-Ro-Bro to feel her heart.

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I’m nervous. Feel my tits. I mean heart.

Jojo meets A-Ro-Bro’s Mom, Darla, his terrifying father, Ed, his funny bro, Luke, and Luke’s girlfriend Lindsay who looks like a child pageant star and has the biggest hair on the PLANET.

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Honey Boo Boo don’t care. Honey Boo Boo don’t give a shit.

Everyone in this family looks exactly the same with the exact same hair including the mother. A-Ro-Bro: “My Mom likes to lovingly refer to me as the spicy child.”

A-Ro-Bro’s Mom: “He would threaten to run away, you know, kicked his teacher.” Was it one of the ones we met? Did he also kick them to get them to meet Jojo?

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He would always kick his teachers and run away from home. It was so spicy!

Jojo reflects on the two empty seats at the dinner table that should be filled with Aaron Rodgers and Olivia Munn. Yeah, and weren’t we promised a French bulldog named Carl Weathers???

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Not pictured: Super Bowl Winner Aaron Rodgers + Supposed Succubus Olivia Munn

Jojo sits down with Luke, the bro A-Ro-Bro described as hilarious, and he is not hilarious. A-Ro-Bro’s-Bro Luke: “We’re trusting that God brings things full circle… If you’re someone [A-Ro-Bro] loves, he’ll go to battle for you.”

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God will eventually smite Olivia Munn. I’ve been praying on it. Why aren’t you laughing???

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America’s Fuckboy: second best at football and third best in frame placement.

A-Ro-Bro’s Bro asks if he’s ready to be engaged and A-Ro-Bro says “yeah.” A-Ro-Bro’s-Bro: “If this is the girl that’s gonna make [you happy], then dude, hell yeah!”

A-Ro-Bro’s-Dad is terrifying. He looks like an egg/cone.

A-Ro-Bro’s-Dad: “Our family’s in the media a lot… Fame can change you… [A-Ro-Bro’s] not gonna let that change him in any way.”

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Fame’s not gonna change A-Ro-Bro into a dick because he’s always been that way! Don’t worry!

Jojo: “To know that everything that he is and the man that he has become, he’s done that kind of on his own. It just makes me really respect him so much more.” For the last two years. Jojo wants SO hard for A-Ro-Bro to be a self-made man.

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It’s so awesome that he’s kind of done it on his own!

I can’t get over how A-Ro-Bro’s-Mom has the same hairstyle as all the men in the family.

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A-Ro-Bro’s Mom: “So, this could be your destiny.”

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Your older bro’s destiny was to be MVP of a winning Super Bowl team but hey, you made it to Bachelorette Hometowns!


Jojo: “I think a part of me is still scared that if it’s you and I at the end of this, will you want it to be forever?”

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Aw that’s so cute you think this might last forever.

A-Ro-Bro: “Don’t ever doubt this."A-Ro-Bro is frustrated Jojo still doesn’t trust him.

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Something in my gut is telling me not to trust you. PLEASE give me something to shut this stupid gut up! Maybe a gut roofie?

A-Ro-Bro’s confessional: “If I’m getting on a knee, it means I want to wake up every day and work at our relationship.”

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A-Ro-Bro only takes a knee for JV Coach Taylor and for Jojo.

Hometown Date #3: Robby in Jacksonville, FL

Robby meets Jojo in St. Augustine, FL. Jojo’s confessional: “Every day is a new surprise with him.” Why is Robby’s shirt unbuttoned almost all the way??

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Surprise! I buttoned ONE button on my shirt!

They go on a horse carriage ride to see some of the Florida sights.

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Some local pirate hookers.

Robby: “I’ve been excited for this day for a while. Ever since I told you I loved you in Uruguay.”

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I’ve been excited for this day since Uruguay when I told you I loved you. REMEMBER? BACK IN WEEK TWO???

They discuss how Robby dumped his girlfriend of four years and then went on a reality TV show to find love three months later. Jojo: “I don’t want to like, fill a void for you.”

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I want you to like, fill MY void.

Robby: “I can promise you that [it’s not] with the love I have in you.”

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My love for you is a promise of how I’m over my ex. Just don’t think about it for too long.

Robby’s confessional: “It will never be a problem. And she just never has to worry about it… I don’t see anything that could possibly go wrong… I hope my family falls in love with her just like I did. Fingers crossed!”

Fingers crossed my family doesn’t spill the beans on my sordid past!

Robby’s Mom seems shit-faced already the way she swings her arm when they walk in.

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Jojo meets Robby’s Dad, Coach Hayes, who she’s supposed to call “Coach.”

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Call me Coach. I won’t tell you coach of what.

Robby: “I’m really excited to see Jojo interact with my family because that’s attractive to me.”

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Nothing gets me off more than my lover meeting my parents.

Robby tries to sell how awesome their fireworks show in Uruguay was by describing how their eyes filled up with ashes.

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Has there ever been a more Florida cup?

Robby talking with his little brothers: “You know how much sleep I’ve gotten this week? Zero. And you know how many panic attacks I’ve gotten? A lot.”

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You know how much sleep I’ve gotten? Zero. Panic Attacks? A lot. Boners thinking about my Ex? A LOT a lot.

Robby, in typical bro-talk, tells his brothers all about how he wants his fairytale ending.

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Here’s to you finally getting your beautiful, romantic, magical, fairytale ending, brah!!!

Robby’s Mom with Jojo: “There’s always a chance that you’re going to get hurt. But if my son envisions you in his future? There’s no turning back.”

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Once Robby has his eyes set on you, you can’t say no ever again.

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When you’re 25 and you have so much botox that this is the most movement you can get in your face from emotions.

Robby’s Mom to Robby: “There is right now, um, an issue, a little bit, out in the world. Your ex’s roommate has made it look like you broke up to go on the show.”

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Robby: “Alex? Why would she say that?” Mom: “We know that’s not true.” Robby: “Jojo has concerns about this and that could make her question my honesty. And that’s bullshit … If that’s gonna be the chink in the armor that doesn’t make this work, I’m going to be devastated.”

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The chink in my armor should be my shitty, rapey personality, not these tabloid rumors!

Robby’s Mom tries to comfort him.

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Don’t worry, honey. I’ll marry you.

Robby goes to discuss this with Jojo immediately. Robby: “Apparently out in the world there’s chatter. My past relationship. Um, apparently, um, people are saying that I’m not here for the right reasons. My ex-girlfriend’s roommate.” Jojo: “Saying what?” Robby: “I broke up with her and bolted.”

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Wait, contestants on the Bachelorette get their personal lives vetted nationally?!?!?!

Jojo: “What would be the benefit of your ex’s roommate saying stuff if it’s not true?” Jojo has no conception of how gossip magazines work.

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But what could that girl possibly get out of this? People don’t usually pay money for gossip stories…

Jojo: “Did you break up with her when you found out you were coming on the show?” How could it possibly not be that? In a few months he broke up then applied and got onto the show?

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Robby: “That’s not true by any means. My relationship with Hope, who is my ex, was over 9 months before it actually ended… It’s something that I didn’t have the capacity to end it when I should have because I thought changes were gonna made. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt to see if we could make it work and it never happened. I ended it at the end of December. We had a blow-up fight and she slapped me.” Jojo: “And you guys haven’t talked since then?” Robby: “Haven’t talked since then. The relationship is over and I will never speak to her again. Period.” Jojo: “And what if it’s not?” Robby: “I think it’s a flash in the pan.”

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It’s a flash in the pan. A four-year flash in the pan.

Jojo: “It’s scary ‘cause I have no clue like, what I’m doing.” Robby: “That is probably the worst thing you could have said… You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t nervous.”

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You wouldn’t be human if you weren’t nervous. I’m told that’s true about humans.

They make out and I guess the topic is resolved. Robby walks Jojo out under an umbrella and then ditches the umbrella in the yard.

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Umbrella ditched out in the cold symbolizing Robby’s ex.

Hometown Date #4 with Luke in Burnet, TX

Luke gives Jojo the tour of his hometown.

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So if you just spin around at this corner, that’s the tour of the town!

Luke drives Jojo to a mystery location. He says it’s up this dirt road which is a paved road.

Luke brings Jojo to a barbecue where he introduces Jojo to a hundred people. Jojo’s southern accent comes out a LOT more around this group.

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So here’s everyone I’ve ever met. That’s how Hometowns work, right?

Luke’s sister is super hot.

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Luke: That barbecue “made my heart smile.”

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The stuff of heart smiles.

Luke’s Gramps: “He can’t even boil water. Good luck. You’ll need it, Jojo.”

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I never signed consent to be any part of this!!!!!

They leave for Luke’s second surprise, a bench further down in the field.

Luke: “I’m a big person that I like to picture things, like, in my mind. Like, daydream about things… this is a good daydream for me.” He does always have a very far-away look in his eyes…

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Luke needs to go to Jojo’s Botox guy.

Luke takes Jojo to his third surprise. He’s set up a candle path to a heart of flowers.

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I feel like if someone did this for me I would think they’re about to human sacrifice me.

Luke: “My heart is yours. And my heart is out there for you. And it’s all of it.” Do you get it Jojo? Because the flowers are shaped like a heart? It’s symbolism, Jojo.

Rose Ceremony

How can we mind-fuck with these dudes more? Let’s have the rose ceremony in an airplane hangar next to a private jet that will only take three of them to the next destination, leaving someone alone broken-hearted in LA. There’s mysterious music at this night meet-up.

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Jack Bauer and the terrorists meet up to exchange the bomb. I mean, this is a rose ceremony.

A-Ro-Bro looks like JOHNNY BRAVO!!!

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Woah Mama, I’m pretty!

All four guys left look like the same person.

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Lord Harrison greets Jojo who looks like a beautiful Disney Princess: “What are you going to do tonight? Do you have any idea?”

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Do you have any idea what the fuck you’re doing Jojo? Word on the street is no.

Jojo’s confessional: “I need to say goodbye to a guy that has really impacted my heart and my life and has made me look at relationships completely differently. Is this emotion telling me that I’m making a mistake? Or is it just me facing the reality of what’s about to happen?… This is the hardest decision I’ve had to make but I think I know what I have to do. And I think I have to say goodbye to Luke.” WHY WOULD THEY CUT IT LIKE THAT?!

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Jojo’s about to hand out the first rose.

Luke: “Jojo can I talk to you for a sec?” They walk out. A-Ro-Bro: “Very interesting timing. Had a whole day to talk about things.”

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What? He couldn’t accomplish in a whole day, what I, America’s Fuckboy, accomplished in 3 minutes?

Luke: “I’m in love with you. I didn’t get to tell you that the other night and it’s the only thing that’s been on my mind.” Jojo thanks him.

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Hope that did the trick…

Jojo: “I am glad that you told me that.” Then she kisses him???

Jojo walks out into the runway cussing and then starts sobbing. “Oh fuck. Oh my God. I don’t know what to do. Of course it changes things but is it enough? I’ve been wanting him to say this for so long and I don’t know what to do right now. This is the hardest part of the whole thing. In my entire life of dating, I’ve never met one guy, let alone four, that makes me feel this good and this happy. But who’s gonna be the best husband for me? Who’s gonna be the best life partner? I don’t know that answer. I feel like, out of control right now. It feels like I can’t even like, control my emotions.”

But does it feel like… an emotional roller coaster???

Jojo: “What if I make a mistake? That scares me. I don’t know. I don’t know. I feel sick to my stomach. My God. What do I do?”

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THESE FUCKERS!!! To be continued????!!!

We end the episode on Jojo sobbing uncontrollably squatting in the runway. I’m shocked Luke is her number 4. It’s probably because he’s not fun.

Are they giving Luke The Bachelor edit??? Is that what all this is? He’s too boring. It will be like Chris Soules all over again. All these guys are boring or dicks. Chase is the best of what’s left. But please, please, let the Bachelor be Wells. He is the hero Bachelor Nation deserves. He is adorable and charming and not a sociopath like all these douchenozzles.

Fantasy Suites AND Men Tell All are next week?! “How does Derek feel?” No one cares. CHAD ON THE OTHER HAND?? I want to know what he thinks about literally everything. VERY emotionally invested in Bachelor in Paradise already. Vile Nick Viall + Mad Chad = My one true love.