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April 10, 2017
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Now THAT's how to integrate your cartoon sidekick.

Backstreet’s back alright with episode three. Let’s get to it!

1. Kimora Hangs On

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The queens come back to their first mirror message and Kimora Blac says she was really surprised, like REALLY surprised to have been on the bottom, all the while wearing a Captain’s hat covered in plastic jewels where I can straight up see all the hot glue. Gurl, some of us weren’t surprised.

2. Ru Is Spying On The Girls

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Ru insinuates that her wax figure has a spy camera. Is this a new advancement in Drag Race technology that will ultimately be underutilized a la Shade Tree? Is it a joke I don’t really get? Is this for real how Trump is spying on gay people? Hard to say.

3. This Week’s Challenge

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Ru tells the queens that this week’s challenge will be to design a princess look (yes good fierce) and then to also play a sassy sidekick (okay cool fun) that will be their head floating on a cartoon character (but now wait what). I don’t quite understand it, but I am excited to see these drag queens get their Mushu/Sebastian/Olaf on okurrrrrr!

3. Farrah Can’t Sew

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Our first design challenge reveals that Farrah is this year’s Queen-That-Can’t-Sew. At a certain point, when you’re nine plus two all stars seasons in, ya gotta wonder what these gals are thinking when they show up with no sewing skills. You weren’t tied up and shoved in some trunk then thrust onto the World of Wonder sound stage! You had months to prepare, gurl! Can you imagine showing up to Survivor and being like ‘oh wait, we have to make our own fire?’. This is public domain knowledge by now. Luckily, Farrah is going to cope with it the way most non-sewing queens do: wrap some fabric around your waist and call it a mermaid look. Godbless!

4. Kimora Doesn’t Know What An Adjective Is

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This confirms my suspicion from last week’s lip sync that she doesn’t know words. She learns quick, though, deciding that ‘delicious’ is a ‘super adjective’ and honestly, I agree.

5. The Queens Talk About Pulse

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This show has a truly twisted tendency to have the queens talk about the saddest shit when they look their most insane. You’d think one of these seasons a producer would be like ‘let’s have Portia Authority wait to talk about 9/11 until after she’s covered her asshole in glitter’ but they never will and I live for it.
And now, to the runway!

6. Seriously WTF

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Again, I must ask: is this television? Having the queens interact with CGI characters is insane and it seems like any number of network executives should have stopped it from happening but not ONE did and that’s why Drag Race is the fucking best.

7. Peppermint Gets It

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Now THAT’s how to integrate your cartoon sidekick. This one actually works for me in like a Witches of Waverly Place kind of way.

8. Eureka As Terrifying Little Troll Bear

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Hello, this is your nightmare now.

9. Kimora…

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Kimora comes out and reads some copy that sounds like if you did a Mad Lib but just wrote in ‘banana’ for every one of the blanks. She’s serving jungle Kabbalah Shakira nonsense and the judges are *not* having it.

10. Shea! Shea! SHEA!

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For me, this was the winning look. That wig! That dress! Even her sidekick looked fierce. Shea is one to watch.

11. Aja

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Aja’s look is an uh-oh. She sorta looks an evil villain version of TLC? I like Aja, but this whole things misses the mark.

Also, as a side note: how funny would it be if it turned out Aja had named herself after the Steely Dan album? I mean, right? Nobody? Does the Venn Diagram of Steely Dan fans and Drag Race fans only intersect with me? Probs.

12. Trinity’s Our Winner

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The judges give this one to Trinity, though I’d say Stanky The Starfish is the main attraction. Trinity lays down so many puns, you’d think she was a judge. Three episodes in and we still have very little proof Trinity isn’t an Amy Sedaris character, but this was her week to shine. Enjoy that Caspar mattress, gurl!

13. AND THEN THAT LIP SYNC

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This one is a lip sync for the ages! Aja is high kicking! Kimora doesn’t know the words! Aja does a 360 and lands in a split! Kimora still doesn’t know the words! Aja does a death drop while boxing out like Karl Malone! Kimora is maybe doing the words to another song entirely! It’s fierce and fun and obvious that Aja has sent Kimora packing. She exits with a half-committed final line: ‘I’m pretty!’ then says if she could do it all again, she’d do better research on how to be a monkey. She’s surprised she’s going home, but some of us still ain’t.

‘Til next week!

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