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September 14, 2015

The world is coming to an end and people are eating each other. Perfectly reasonable time to play Monopoly.

1) A Show Of Hands

Okay, so in case you weren’t aware, this show takes place in Los Angeles. It’s a place where people riot all the time. It’s basically all we do. We go to The Grove, eat kale and riot. But why was everyone at this riot throwing their hands up like they’re goddamn Rocky?

What exactly are they celebrating? This is not a Petey Pablo concert, you guys! Keep your hands down. Also, is rioting really the appropriate response to what’s going on? People are literally eating each other. Maybe not the best time to cross “flip a police car over and light it on fire” off of your bucket list.

2) Bored Game

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Playing a game of Monopoly at a time like this is the most dangerous thing imaginable. Have you ever played Monopoly? It’s a game where you frustrate and humiliate your opponents until they’re destitute. Do you guys know how many zombies all the yelling and screaming will attract? How are you going to help your sister survive when you CAN’T FUCKING STAND TO LOOK HER IN THE EYE because she loaded up all the greens with hotels and bankrupt your ass?

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It’s bad enough this guy has to kick a heroin addiction, he has to do it while playing Monopoly? That is both cruel and unusual. Also, the only thing less entertaining than playing Monopoly is watching people play Monopoly. Maybe invite some of your walker neighbors to join, you can bore them to death.

3) What The Fuck Was Up With This Backyard?

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I do not claim to be a backyard scientist. I never went to any fancy backyard college. But for the life of me, I could not figure out what the fuck was going on with this backyard last night. Everyone was just running back and forth through some weird demon maze with wind chimes for what felt like seventeen minutes in the dark. Was this the only way to access the house? Does anyone actually have shit like this in their backyard? Welcome to ‘Fear The Walking Dead’ where the most complex character so far is a backyard.

4) My “Cousin”

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Oh, your cousin is coming by? Sure. Sounds legit. I bet you also have a girlfriend you met at summer camp who lives in Canada. What color is her hair? WHAT COLOR IS YOUR CANADIAN GIRLFRIEND’S HAIR, MR. BARBER?!? I don’t know his name. I don’t know anyone’s name on this show. I refuse to occupy any mental real estate on learning these names until we’re three seasons in and the dust has settled on who we’re stuck with and who became zombie brunch.

5) “Good morning, Susan.”

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He’s doing it, you guys! He’s going for the Dad Joke Hall Of Fame! When you’re burying a guy with his head blown off, it’s important to keep it light. Whistle while you work! Maybe dust off your old Borat impression. And what was up with his neighbor?

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For a show that really seems to be pushing for a balanced racial cast, they sure go out of their way to throw over the top stereotypes at us. What gang do you think this guy belongs to? I bet it’s all of them! Better make sure your recycling is properly sorted, Hero Dad! Because this guy has certainly murdered for less.

6) It’s Hammer Time

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It’s nice that New Carol (I’m not learning anyone’s name) wants to put her neighbor out of her misery. I get it. What a nice thing. But does she have to use a hammer? It appears her merciful plan is to bludgeon this lady to death through a fence. She’s putting her out of her misery in the most miserable way imaginable.

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“Please kill me now before your boyfriend tests his new standup routine on me.”

I guess after what went down in the school, smashing heads in with a blunt object is kind of her thing. It’s nice when you find your niche! Maybe she can sew that onto a pillowcase and then fill it with rocks and use it to smash someone’s face in.

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Oh good, the military showed up! This should turn things around. Thanks for spray painting the houses! Definitely gives everyone in the community a sense that things will be alright. Bring your guns and tanks back next week, we’re playing Connect Four in the neighbor’s backyard hell maze!