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February 03, 2015
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True love is hard to find, but you won't find it behind a dumpster study says.

True romantics are hard to come by. You’re at a bar, you lock eyes with a stranger across the room, buy her a drink and get to know each other. Then things get hot and heavy leading to a quickie behind the bar’s dumpster. The smell of booze mixing with rotting bar food sets the mood and gives both parties a common enemy.

However, a recent study has shown that these actions are in fact not likely to lead to a lasting romance. While a common enemy and shared trauma do help bring groups together, these sexual conquests tend to be viewed more as a mistake than a nostalgic encounter.

Shocking as this is, we urge Americans to not change their lifestyle nor avoid these attempts at finding love. While statistics show you won’t find your soulmate, these actions are a pillar of the American economy; wholely supporting the morning after pill market, the Ben & Jerry’s flavor “regretful dumpster sex”, and the “I’m sorry you have herpes” greeting card industries. If these actions were eliminated fully, the entire country’s economy could falter.

So go ahead, enjoy the experience, live in the moment and make the most of the event because even though this drunk consenting adult willing to f**k behind a dumpster isn’t Mrs. Right, doesn’t mean she can’t be Miss Right Now.

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