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October 02, 2015

There's finally a Yelp for people. It's called Peeple. Promising but also cause for concern. Let's weigh the benefits.

It’s happened. There’s finally a Yelp for people. It’s called “Peeple,” and it allows users to rate human beings as if they were a business. Promising but also cause for concern. Let’s weigh the benefits.


  • Taylor Swift’s crew will finally know where they stand in the hierarchy.
  • It’ll be fun to know everyone’s dick sizes.
  • New, modern way to let America’s stepdads know we hate them.
  • We can finally find out if Lena Dunham is problematic or not.
  • A Peeple rating higher than 7.5 allows you to skip security lines at the airport.
  • If you’re undecided about suicide, this could help clear that up for you.
  • Maybe you’ll be able to put a cool song on your profile, we dunno.
  • You don’t care who knows that you treat your Mom like shit, she fucking deserves it.


  • They don’t make a number high enough to accurately rate Beyoncé.
  • If anyone’s got weird nipples, that shit’s gonna get out real fast.
  • The possibility of me being rated before I’ve had my morning coffee!
  • All the food service cashiers who you’ve accidentally said “you too!” to after they’ve said “enjoy your meal” will leave poor ratings.
  • Acne, while out of your control, will probably not be judged favorably.
  • You will have no choice but to rate your children one day.
  • Your aunt has 90% of the positive comments on your profile and not one of them contains a comma or period.
  • The family of the guy you may have killed won’t leave it alone.
  • You find out the hard way that your tattoo of California looks a lot like an old man’s dick.