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Published January 02, 2013

 

It was Halloween. I was dressed up as a fairy using the bathroom at some house party on the Lower East Side. It was one of those college-dorm-type of apartments. Perpetual Frat boys surrounded the scene wearing the most douchebag costumes ever. A Chippendale dancer was getting beer from the fridge, Spartan was out smoking on the balcony, an Asian “Situation” was sitting on the couch trying to chat up a sexy “bunny”. 

My friend went off to chat with some “Chilean Coal Miners” and I went to use the restroom. Just what I expected. Tiny. Old. Moldy. I could shower and use the toilet all at the same time.

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After finishing my business I went to open the door only to realize it was stuck. CRAP. I pulled again. They must have recently painted and it sealed the door shut. They really should have had a sign. I started to panic. I called my friends. No answer. I banged on the door. No answer. The music was blasting, people were getting wild. No one cared about the moldy bathroom. I decided to just sit and wait for someone to need to pee or puke. Minutes felt like days. 

Then, things went from BAD to WORSE when for some idiotic reason I decided to google “mold”. BIG MISTAKE. This article came up:  http://bit.ly/c7O7wU Did you know you can get Mold Poisoning and DIE? With the condition of the bathroom, I was definitly getting poisoned every second I sat there. Happy Halloween! I am going to die in a tiny little moldy bathroom. In my stupid fairy costume. Surrounded by frat boys. I started to get wheezy. My arms started to itch. I called my parents to tell them goodbye but they didn’t answer. Suddenly, someone banged on the door. “Hurry up!” they yelled. I banged back, “You hurry up!” “I need to pee.” “You don’t want to pee in here, there’s deathly mold” I replied. This then started a huge commotion on the other side of the door. I told them I was stuck and some dude started saying how no locksmiths were working this late on Halloween. Some chick had a genius idea, to just leave me in the bathroom ‘til the next morning. These idiots really should not have gotten into college. They couldn’t figure out how to get me out of the bathroom and they were going to NYU. Bravo admissions department. FINALLY like 25 minutes later this guy yells “GET OUT OF THE WAY”. Too bad there wasn’t really ANYWHERE to get “out of the way”. So I pressed my body against the wall and closed my eyes. Hoping for the best. And luckily, the best did happen. The door broke open and a guy dressed in a viking costume (I kid you not. this really happened) grabbed me and carried me out of the bathroom. The viking saves the fairy. And then they live happily ever after. Or not. Cause then I just left that lame party and went to another. 

Oh and the mold poisoning? I forgot about it as soon as I went to the next place. #HypoLife

For more stupid rants go here: http://hypolife.tumblr.com

 

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