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Published August 19, 2012

5. ANTY FROM HONEY I SHRUNK THE KIDS

 

The Szalinski children were in for a mountain of misfortune, when their dumbass dad shrunk them and threw them in the garbage. Along with the two neighbor kids, the children were faced with the daunting task of traveling all the way across the yard back to the house. At first, this seems impossible, they almost drown in a garden hose incident, and then are nearly sliced up by a lawnmower. About halfway through their journey, they encounter an Ant. Now I hate to be one of those pedantic people, complaining about the implausible scenario's in a movie who's premise is that a clumsy scientist inadvertently shrinks his children, but Come On!!! When do you ever see just one Ant? Ants don't roam around solo. If you see one, you see twenty at least. The Ant, that the kids all affectionately call Anty befriends the kids, and joins them in their journey. Two things become apparent at this point. The kids chances at survival is a lot better with Anty, also the kids suck at naming ants. At least attempt to be creative, that's all I'm saying. Anty leads the children through the back yard until they find a tasty snack, a Little Debbie's Oatmeal Creme Pie. Now, again I hate to be that guy, but come on. If you had a full Oatmeal Creme Pie in your yard in the summer time, there would be hundreds, literally thousands of Ants surrounding it. Instead they were met by a Scorpion. Seriously, what the hell was that all about? What part of North America did the Szalinski's live? Was there a desert nearby? Where the fuck did the Scorpion come from? It doesn't make any sense. That was a decent sized backyard, that apparently was the home to one, that's ONE as in singular ant, and a random Scorpion. Whatever, it's fine. It's just a movie. Anyways, the kids were terrified by the Scorpion, but Anty stood up to him like a boss, and successfully fought him off. However, that battle also cost Anty his life. I would've rather seen any of the four kids die instead of Anty. I thought Anty was the most likable character in the whole movie. He was the most likable ant until the movie Antz. I cried when Anty died. You'd have to be a heartless bastard not to.

 

4. AIR BUD

 

I don't remember much about the movie "Air Bud" , except for the fact that it was about a dog that played basketball. That's all you really need to know. Nothing else even matters in the movie. That dog had unlimited athletic potential, which is the main reason for the movies Air bud 2, Air Bud 3 Golden Receiver" and "Air Bud 4 Seventh inning Fetch" Quite frankly, I don't think they made enough Air Bud movies. They could have milked that series for several more installments. I have a few ideas.

 

Air Bud 5 Air Bud gets Mad Air - Air Bud joins the X-Games circuit and immediately shines in the spotlight. His first time on the Vert is a virtually flawless run that leaves everyone in complete awe. He even invents a new move called The Double McTwisty Licky, which is a forward flipping backside 1260, all while licking yourself. Tony Hawk and Shawn White guest star as Air Bud's enemies, but by the end of the movie they come around, and declare that Air Bud is a pretty extreme dude.

 

Air Bud 6 Air Bud Can't Make an Error - Fed up with the lack of quality pitching on his ballclub, George Steinbrenner holds an open audition for dogs who can pitch and have previously excelled in other sports, making them respected members of the community. Air Bud is the only dog that shows up for tryouts, probably due to the unusually strict prerequisites set by Mr. Steinbrenner. Air Bud gets the job of course, and throws a perfect game in his first start. He then throws another perfect game, and then another. Basically every game for the rest of the season, Air Bud is lights outs, and doesn't allow a single hit. That is until game 7 of the World Series. I'm just kidding, he throws a perfect game in game 7 too. It 's not really about having intriguing story lines and riveting plot twists, it's more about the fact that a dog is playing baseball. That alone should amuse you.

 

Air Bud 7 Air Bud smokes Bud - Air Bud gets ripped at a pot cafe and then wraps his car around a telephone pole on his way home. His accident is caused more because he's stoned, and less due to the fact that he is a dog, and dogs can't drive. Bud flees the scene of the accident, and runs home where he mercilessly beats his wife. Ironically, this is also the movie where Bud joins the NFL. Those guys can't seem to stay out of trouble. You know it's sad when you hear ESPN analysts say things like, "This guy has blazing speed and unlimited potential, if only he can stop killing people, he might be a star."

 

3. Beethoven

 

The three kids in Beethoven hated their dad, but since their dad was Charles Grodin, I can't say I blame them. Nobody likes Charles Grodin. Charles Grodin doesn't even like Charles Grodin. Grodin, to his credit, does make an attempt at gaining the favors of his children by getting them a puppy. Instead of a modest Terrier or Chihuahua though, he decides to go with a Saint Bernard. A dog that within two months grows to be like 900 pounds, and literally destroys everything in sight. Beethoven was a menace, but the kids loved him, because the kids were all huge nerds and Beethoven would beat people up for them. Then Grodin has to take Beethoven to the vet to be euthanized, because Beethoven ate the neighbor's baby or something. Once at the vet, Beethoven somehow uncovers an underground drug smuggling ring and single handily takes down all the bad guys. At least I think. I don't know, it's been a while since I've seen it. There were bad guys of some kind. I remember that, and Beethoven bit some dude's dick off. I remember that too. You have to be pretty shitty at crime to get caught by a dog.

 

2. Free Willy

 

Jesse was a degenerate. Him and the ruffians he hung out with were up to no good, vandalizing everything in sight, including this aquatic center that housed a killer whale. Jesse gets put in the custody of his new foster parents, Micheal Madsen and some chick. They're not really important to the movies plot at all. They couldn't get through to Jesse. Nobody could. Not his social worker or the hippie owner of the aquatic center Randolph, or even Lori Petty, who after Point Break you thought was pretty hot, but realize after this movie that she is not. Jesse and the Orka Whale known as Willy, immediately hit it off and become best buds. Jesse plays a harmonica for Willy, and then falls into the tank because he's a clumsy asshole. Despite being a killer whale, Willy doesn't kill Jesse. A completely uncharacteristic move by a killer whale. Then when Randolph wants to kill Willy, because Willy sucks at doing tricks, Jesse comes up with a plan to save or better yet, free him. In the end Willy jumps over Jesse in slow-motion, while Micheal Jackson plays in the background. It's pretty bad ass. Jesse finally finds a true friend in Willy, and becomes very loyal to him. Which we see in action over the next 10 years when Jesse has to save Willy, like 6 more times. There were a lot of sequels.

 

1. The Beast from Sandlot

 

The Beast was....Well, he was a beast. I really couldn't think of a more appropriate name. Smalls figures this out pretty quickly after moving into the coolest neighborhood ever. Smalls is befriended by the one and only, Benny the Jet, and is invited down to the sandlot where the kids all play baseball. That first summer for Smalls was legendary. There were so many memories, Squints pervin on that slut Wendy Peppercorn, the puke party at the carnival, the time Benny hit the skin off the baseball, but most importantly, the Beast situation. Smalls was kind a of dumbass. He accidentally hits a Babe Ruth autographed baseball over the fence into the territory of the Beast. Yeah, that's right, I said The Babe, the Sultan of Swat, the Colosus of Clout, the Great Bambino!!!!

 

The kids show a lot of creative ingenuity in their efforts to retrieve the autographed baseball, and after a series of hilarious mishaps, Benny the Jet decides to simply jump over the fence and get the ball himself. That's when the gang realizes that the Beast, was actually just a misunderstood seeing eye dog for James Earl Jones, and only weighed about thirty pounds, which actually makes him tearing apart that erector set all the more impressive. I think it would've been funny if after the crazy chase scene with Benny and the Beast., all the kids start petting the Beast, and realizing that he's friendly. Then the Beast just eats the fat kid's face off for no reason. That would be hilarious, but then again I have a weird sense of humor.

 

 

 

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